A Series of Twisted One Shots: Furuba Style!
by Dyeh
Summary: Things are seriously messed up. Akito has a party cup fetish, Hatori reads adult magazines, Yuki's slow cooked, Haru loves pie, Kyo plays with Barbie Dolls, and much, much more. Oneshot series. Final One shot up. R
1. Not So Dramatic Love Scene

Firstly, I'm sure you're all wondering what this is about. I sure I am oO; - even though I wrote it. Anyways, these are a series of Fruits Basket One-shots that I wrote while I wasn't paying attention in class - which means that  
one:They're pretty bad, but my school friends seem to find them funny  
two: They're about 500 words each, tops.  
three: They involve Akito having a strange relationship with Plastic Party Cups. (Don't get me wrong - I'm an Akito lover.)

Other than that, enjoy my creations n.n!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits Basket in anyway.**

* * *

Not So Dramatic Love Scene

"Oh! Aya! You are my life, my love and my soul!"

It had been one of the most dreaded days that Hatori had had to face that month, the day that Ayame and Shigure had insisted on coming over, and spending a friendly day at Hatori's house. He'd tried everything in his power to get out of it. He'd tried making Yuki come for a surprise check-up (however Shigure saw through that and arranged for Yuki, Tohru and Kyo to go to an amusement part on that exact day), and he'd tried to get a check-up with Akito. However, Akito had been extremely pissed off that week, so he basically threw his plastic – they didn't trust him with glass – cup at Hatori. So, with all plans a failure, he had been forced to endure the torment. Now, however, Ayame and Shigure were alone – Hatori had had a sudden interest in tea making.

"Oh! Gure-san! How I love the way the hair falls around your face!"

"Oh, Aya, you're too kind!"

Both thumbs went up from each person, and an enthusiastic "Yes!" followed. So, the pair sat there, in silence for about a total of three seconds, before they started up again.

"Oh! Aya, look at your pretty silver locks!"

"Oh, Gure-san! You are my life, my love!"

"You still remember what happened at our little sleepover last night, don't you, Gure-san?"

"How could I not, Aya?"

* * *

What happened at the sleepover:

"It's your turn, Gure-san! Come on, hurry up! Choose your position!"

Shigure paused for a moment, "Hrm… where to put my piece…"

He paused again, for a total of twenty seconds, and then shouted, "Right on! Aya, King me!"

* * *

"Ah! How things like that happen without warning." Gure-san reminisced, throwing his arms into the hair, causing them to fall on both sides of Ayame, who was seated beside him.

"Oh yes, Gure-san, but you have to admit, it had to happen. I am just to good to refuse, after all."

"You're so right! You're way too good to refuse."

"Oh, and you can't forget what happened after that."

"Oh, such romance it was, Aya!"

* * *

What happened after that:

"Push my button, any button!"

"Oh, with pleasure, Aya."

"Damn it! I loose again! You're really good at Space Commanders, Gure-san."

* * *

"Oh, it was magical was it not?"

"You kept me up all night, Gure-san, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you."

"Oh, I'll find a way, Aya, I'll find a way." A seemingly fake look came into Shigure's eyes at this comment, but Hatori, who apart from having rather large sweat drop and dark blue lines occupying his head, looked rather annoyed, interrupted them.

"Here's your tea."

Shigure let go of Ayame, and the pair of them looked at their tea, picked it up in unison and recited, "Oh, Tea! You are my life, my love, and my soul!"

* * *

So there you have it. The first of my series of constantly written idiotic things. Wasn't that fun to read?


	2. How Does Hatori Do It?

You're wondering why I came back with more aren't you? You know you are - and I did! Yay! This ones all about Hatori trying to avoid Ayame and Shigure. It's fun writing from Hatori's point of view n.n

**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba in any shape or form. (I'd like to own Akito though o.o)**

* * *

How does Hatori do it?

"Yuki. You need a check-up."

"Why?" Yuki folded over the next page of his novel (unlike the uneducated Kyo, he preferred novels to manga), his eyes skimming the words with little interest, trying his best to listen to Hatori at the same time.

"Because."

"Because you have another meeting with Ayame and Shigure, correct?"

The teenager had hit the spot. Hatori DID have another meeting with Ayame and Shigure, and Yuki had seen right through it. Damn the rat for being so intelligent. "Well, you need one, so you'd better have it now."

"Getting an appointment with Akito failed, huh?" The purple haired Yuki asked, still not looking up from his novel, but it wasn't as if he hadn't noticed the large circle that outlined his left eye – it was red, and it seemed to have not gone down any bit, and it made Hatori flinch.

"Who knew a plastic cup could do so much damage." Yuki said off handedly, almost enjoying the annoyance that was radiating off Hatori.

Hatori had been hit in the head with a plastic cup – no, they'd been piled up over him. Hatori remembered that all he could see was white, and it was pretty damn annoying too. Akito had been banned from drinking out of glass cups, since he'd thrown a total of fifty of them at various cleaning ladies, luckily, only forty-nine of them had hit the cleaning ladies – and that quote was directed straight from Akito, who was annoyed that the last cup had missed his most hated of maid (the maid of which hadn't been around since.) So, they'd made a rule that he was only allowed to drink out of "$1.89" cups, which came in a party set, but considering Akito liked to eat the plastic of the party cups, they'd up graded to the $2.95 packs, that were non-chewable plastic. It even said so on the packaging. However, as a result, Akito had been as pissed off as ever, and had taken to throwing them instead of glass at everybody that came in – including Hatori, and there were rumors that they'd been thrown at Shigure as well.

"Yes, Shigure came home whining the other night from seeing him." Yuki commented, folding down the page of his novel, and tossing it aside. Being neat and clean just wasn't his thing – but he didn't expect it to knock over a violet covered vase.

Hatori flinched.

"Go and ask the Stupid Cat, he might need a check up."

"Kazuma was speaking to me about that."

"Stupid cat needs lessons." Yuki muttered, Hatori left soon after.

* * *

"Kyo."

Kyo rolled up on the roof pavers, and looked directly down at the middle aged doctor.

"Yeah. What?"

Of course, this was said as rudely as two words could possibly sound like – but Hatori looked past Kyo's annoying aggressive ways.

"You need a check up."

"Fat chance."

"You need one." Hatori repeated, causing Kyo's annoyance to rise to a level way beyond any normal human being.

"Yeah, and like you, a stupid dragon, is going to make me?"

"Either that, or I can make your little girlfriend…"

"She's not my girlfriend!" Kyo screamed, his face going brick red at the same time. Hatori poked the side of his head with a random finger, an amused look on his face.

"Really?"

This just made Kyo even angrier, and because he looked like he was about to do a bomb-dive off the roof, and destroy the human race, Hatori thought it'd be better to ask Tohru… no, scratch that, Haru.

* * *

Haru, as usual was off in his own little world, walking extremely slowly on a way street, (of course, there was a big line of idiots behind him, who couldn't get Haru to hurry up.) And, it took Hatori five times to break Haru out of his little cocoon, and afterwards, he looked extremely bored, and a little confused.

"Huh?"

"Haru, you need a check up."

"Why?"

Hatori had to breathe a sigh of relief. Haru wasn't Black Haru. (Hatori was wondering why there wasn't a stream of bodies down the sidewalk.)

"Because Yuki…"

"What's wrong with Yuki?" Haru asked suddenly, gripping Hatori's shirt with both his hands, and looking pleadingly up at him – making Hatori feel above all, stupid.

"Nothing happened to Yuki."

Haru's right fist connected with Hatori's right cheek. "YOU'RE TEASING ME HUH?"

Hatori stumbled backwards, hand on his cheek, however he was a bit stunned to be in pain. Haru however, who had turned into Black Haru, was now edging forward towards him.

"YOU THINK THAT SAME GENDER RELATIONSHIPS HAVE NO PLACE IN FRUITS BASKET, HUH?"

"No…"

"YOU STUPID DRAGON! I'LL KILL YOU!"

The beating proceeded until Hatori was a quivering wreck on the ground, and Haru was standing over him, his eyes still full of rage.

"No," Hatori finally got his word in, "I was going to say that you need a check up."

"Oh." Haru said, standing straight up, instead of facing Hatori, he left him on the ground, and left.

So, it was Hatori who needed to go to the doctors, because the idiot went to the stupidest people to ask for appointments. However, he still didn't get out of the appointment with Ayame and Shigure, because they visited him at hospital.

* * *

Heh, I'll bet Hatori got more than he bargained for when Shigure and Aya came to the hospital. Maybe I should write that later?... Nyeh.


	3. Another Not So Dramatic Love Scene

I'm a filthy liar, I'm sure you've all realised that - I went way over my word limit! The last few have been close to 1,000 words (I think this one's over that, actually oO), but, in any case, enjoy!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket in any way - ... poo.**

* * *

Another not so Dramatic Love Scene

"Tea with Hari, tea with Hari, tea with Hari!" The pair sang, and poor 'Hari' was sitting at the end of the table with a bored expression written all over his tired face – he'd been treating Akito for his latest illness all afternoon, and the last thing he needed was Shigure and Ayame coming over unexpectedly for a 'tea' party.

"Sooo, Hari, what was wrong Akito this time?"

Trust Shigure to be worried about his 'girlfriend' Akito – the head of the family. Hari also knew that Shigure was upset about not being able to talk to Akito that afternoon.

"His cup addiction is getting too much. It's shredding Akito's insides."

"Really Hari, that sounds like… OH MY GOD SHIGURE DID YOU BRING MR. FUMMYWOBBLES!"

The /intelligent/ conversation about Akito had ended the moment Shigure brought out his bear, Mr. Fummywobbles. "I'll go get tea." Hari said, picked himself up from the table, and without waiting for a response, went into his small cramped kitchen – and sat in the corner.

"Do you remember our latest slumber party, Gure-san?" Ayame asked, throwing the fluro pink bear in the air and then catching it again.

"Oh yes. Let us reminisce."

"Oh, that'd be fun."

* * *

How the sleep over occurred:

"I'm bored." Shigure mused, fiddling his pencil between his fingers with about as much enthusiasm as a dog who'd had an apple thrown at its head.

"You can't be bored!" A cry came, Shigure's assistant had just entered the room and was bouncing up and down with frustration. "You have to finish your manuscript!"

"Sometimes I wonder why I even bothered with this profession." Shigure stated, scratching the back of his head.

"Don't wonder, write! Move that stupid hand of yours!"

Shigure sighed, this time putting the long side of the pen in his mouth, and trying to take interest in what ever material he was using at the time. His assistant seemed happy.

"Maybe me and Aya should have a sleep over."

"This manuscript is due next week! You don't have time for a sleep over!" The assistant screamed, looking just about ready to bonk him on the head. Shigure just paused, looked at her and said, "You're very, very single, aren't you?"

His assistant said nothing when Shigure got up, and went to the phone to call Aya.

* * *

"She hasn't been around since." Shigure stated, looking like he wanted to take the bear off Aya and play with it himself. "I think she might be mad."

"Don't be silly Gure-san! Of course she isn't mad."

"Really? Oh, where's Hari?"

"Getting the tea remember?" (When Hari heard his name from the Kitchen – he curled up into a tighter ball and stated, "Happy Thoughts" over and over again.)

"Oh Right." Shigure said, leaning back slightly.

Boredom often makes people play up.

Shigure grabbed Ayame 'round the waist, and the pair just 'sat' there. Of course they were only kidding around, but in Hari's place, the 'fun' of doing that just … disappeared. Still, it didn't stop them trying.

"Oh, Aya, you are my sun!"

"You are my moon, Shigure!"

"HOLD ON! Where's Mr. Fummywobbles?"

"Uh… I LIKE YOU AYA!"

It was that moment that Hatori decided he actually wanted to come into the room again, and when he saw Ayame and Shigure the way they were, and the looks of annoyance on the faces, he really did consider kicking them out. "Oh, Hari!" Aya stated, Shigure just grinned. "Want to join in?"

Hatori went back into the kitchen.

"Remember that little delivery girl?" Ayame asked, stretching.

* * *

That little delivery girl:

"Oh, Aya, I'm out of the shower!" The newly showered – and surprisingly in his pajamas, which was just a clean kimono, his normal get up, that looked exactly the same as all his other kimono's, and it was hard to tell if it was clean or not. In fact, the only thing that hinted that he'd actually had a shower was the fact that his hair was wet.

"Really?" Aya had also showered, and he had his hair up in a girly bun. "Then lets play dress up!"

It was only then when Shigure realized that Aya had brought out his massive (and I mean massive) box of costumes. "I WANT TO BE THE MAID!" Shigure yelled at once, running at it.

Aya hit him across the head just before he reached it. "I want to be the maid."

"Nu-uh."

"You be the midwife."

"I always be the midwife!" Shigure whined, putting his hands on his hips.

In the end of it, Shigure was a waitress and Ayame was the maid.

It was rather ironic that a girl selling cookies decided to ring the door bell at that particular moment.

"Yes?" Aya opened the door. Now, Aya looks rather girlish, so one can imagine the little girls surprise when his voice was so deep. It was when she saw Shigure in the waitress uniform when she really got scared. In fact, she was so scared, she screamed so high pitched that a bat fell out of the sky, and ran straight for the nearest house.

* * *

"Yeah, it was really a shame. I could have used those cookies."

"I wonder why they ran away."

(Once again in the kitchen, Hatori sighed. He'd treated the little girl for trauma before he'd gone to see Akito. Could they really not see what was wrong with what they were wearing in that moment? "Idiots.")

Hatori finally decided that if he was going to get them away – they'd have to have tea first, then he could make an excuse that he had to treat some patient, and then they'd have to go. Plan set. So, he made the tea – Hatori always made good tea, he couldn't couldn't drink beer, and presented it to them with a huge "BANG" on the table.

"Oh!" Aya stated, "Thank you!"

Shigure nodded in agreement. Unhinged himself from Aya, and grabbed his tea. All was silent for a moment, before Shigure said, "Hey, did you know that Akito's going to sing in a talent contest?"

A silence silenter than silence followed, and Hatori felt faintish. Akito's singing was all that he needed.

"What's he singing about?" Aya asked, and Shigure shrugged.

"Party Cups."

"Go figure."

* * *

You have to pity the delivery girl. That poor innocent child... but, moving on.


	4. The Great Party Cup Adventure!

Seriously how many people base their fanfictions in the middle of the desert? Not many oO;

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket. No, I don't. Really.**

* * *

The Great Party Cup Adventure!

We join our heroes at their bleakest hour, in the deserts of … places! They've gone without water for an entire three hours, and things are starting to look bleak for their survival. (Shigure has even started writing love stories in the dirt to Akito.)

In fact, it is only Akito who seems to be holding up well.

"Ah!" Ayame sighed, collapsing from exhaustion, taking Shigure down with him. The pair had been walking hand in hand, following Hatori, who was the most athletic of the trio, and Shigure had been dragging Akito's behind them. "Why is it Akito-sama alright and we aren't?"

Yes, it was true. Akito looked fine, and he wore a very innocent and black expression under his navy hair, but the most recent addition a party cup that he fiddled up and down with, sucking on the plastic.

Hatori briefly looked around. His hair was stuck firmly down on his forehead, and his white shirt was firmly plastered down on his chest. It looked like he'd just stepped out of a shower. "Because you idiot," He stated clearly to Ayame, "Akito's been getting moisture from the party cups."

"Really?" Ayame asked, swiping at the one in Akito's mouth. "Gimme that."

In response, Akito simply raised his head higher, causing Ayame's hand to miss and fall back on the ground.

"And here I was thinking this was going to be a great adventure." Said a crying Shigure. Akito paused to poke the sweaty back of Shigure, tilting his head.

"Shigure is dead?"

"I wish I was."

Akito had been acting more and more childish every day since he'd begun to eat Party Cups. His insanity seemed to disappear whenever he was with Shigure, and Hatori's excuse was that "the plastic had gotten to his brain", and he refused to think that it was just a fondness for Shigure that made Akito happy. It was the cups, damn it, the cups!

"What do you see, Hari?"

Ayame rose himself to his knees, and sat backwards. His hair was now short, having been forced to cut it because of the heat (it had actually cooked the back of his neck, leaving blisters), and it was now cut in a Yuki fashion.

"I see sand." Hatori replied, kicking it with his sand-filled shoe.

"Guys," Akito stated.

"Sand? Is that all?" Shigure sighed outwards, and didn't even bother to sit up.

"Guys," Akito repeated.

"This isn't any fun…" Ayame commented, rolling onto his buttocks, stretching.

"GUYS!" Akito yelled, making all three flinch. "This cup is talking to me. He says I can't eat him! Tell him other wise, Gure!"

"You can… Huh? Talking?" All three were looking at the cup dangling below Akito's jaw in a flash. Sure, they were probably hallucinating, but it wasn't often that a cup spoke – even if it was probably a mirage.

"You worthless humans! I am "Party Cup!"

"Well that much was obvious," mumbled Hatori, prodding the cup – making Akito hiss.

"Silence! I am to be your new god! I can get you out of this place!"

"Well sign me up!" Ayame stated immediately. Anything was better than getting out of this desert – even if it was hailing the almighty god of Party Cups.

"Me too." Said Shigure after consideration. Hatori was unconvinced, but he went along with it anyway.

"Can I be your priest?" Akito asked, prodding the cup that he'd been sucking on for two miles.

It isn't exactly clear how the four of them got out of the desert with the Party cups, but it resulted in Hatori curing himself of so many parasite bites that it wasn't even humanly possible, Shigure writing more romance novels then he had in his entire life time, (his assistant had reported him to the police as a poser, and it had taken four months of court work to prove that he was, in fact, Shigure Sohma), Ayame refused to come out in public with his hair the way it was, and did back work – letting Mine get all the publicity, and Akito brought constant offerings of glass cups to the God of Plastic Cups, and prayed constantly. He still ate them, however, and declared himself openly a "cannibal."

* * *

I'm sure Akito really got into all that religion oO;  
I hear that in two years it had spread around the globe - Go Akito!


	5. Ralph The Happy Puppy!

oO; Ralph is a very happy puppy, yes he is. And don't worry - this isn't the only story he's in! He'll be in future stories, I swear.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. (Would you stop looking at me like that?)**

* * *

Ralph - The Happy Puppy

"How are you feeling today, Akito?" Hatori asked, forcefully sticking a thermometer down Akito's throat, making him hurl. Hatori didn't seemed to mind, and grabbing the towel (that he came prepared with), he wiped his face and looked at the reading.

"I'm feeling okay today, Hatori!" Akito declared, wiping the corners of his mouth.

"Your temperature is normal." Hatori answered, ignoring Akito's last comment.

"In that case," Akito said, "I'm going to take Ralph for a walk!"

"Ralph?" Hatori asked, blinking.

"Yeah! Ralph!" Akito leaned over and pulled out a very squashed Party Cup with a dog face drawn on it (Akito was a talented drawer). "He's my new puppy!"

Hatori's left eye twitched. "Right. But you can't go out al-"

"Maybe Gure-san will come with me, and we can get ice-cream, and sing folk songs!"

In fact, Akito was so excited about taking a walk with Shigure, that he was throwing his arms everywhere and humming about party cups. (Ralph ended up in the far corner.)

In the end of it all, Hatori had ended up calling Shigure, and Shigure had replied with "Ooooo. Ralph? I've met him before! He's a cute little puppy!"

Of course, Shigure came, and the entire incident left Hatori feeling like he was either insane or he was dreaming.

Half an hour later

"I'm so glad you could come, Gure-san!" Akito declared, his hand attached to a string and the string attached to Ralph, who was getting very battered from being dragged along on the ground behind him.

"I wouldn't miss it for the world!"

"But, don't you have novels to write?"

"Oh… them. After our trip to the desert I wrote as many novels as I do in a year in about three days… but then I went to court."

"… It costed me a lot of money, Gure-san."

Shigure just laughed, and changed the subject. "Lets go to Ayame's shop!"

"Why?"

"To dress Ralph up of course!"

At Ayame's shop

"Gure-san, what's she doing?"

The pair had just entered on an unfortunate day – Modeling day, and Mine was the one modeling. Shigure took one look (anime styled blue lines formed on the left side of his head) and said, "You don't want to know."

"Gure-san, where's her clothes?"

"Just shut it, Akito."

"Why hello there, Gure-san!"

Ayame stated, fluttering out his hair behind him, and ignoring the scene with Mine completely.

"We came to dress up Ralph!" Akito declared, before turning around, "Ralph?"

Ralph had been caught in the door of the shop, and in Akito's ear he could hear him whine. Akito screamed, sank to the ground, and burst into tears until Shigure rescued Ralph.

"Ralph is hurt!" Akito wailed, rubbing the cup up and down the side of his face, seemingly trying to comfort it.

"Well we'll go to the vet then, Akito." Shigure said, trying to shut the wailing up. Even Mine was getting annoyed.

At the vet

Akito shoved Ralph into the face of the lady at the front desk, his face still wet from crying. The Lady at the front desk got a bit worried, considering Akito was nineteen, and stated, "What's this?"

"Ralph!" Akito stated, "And he's hurt! He got caught in the door!"

The lady looked like she was about to speak, but she met the pleading eyes of Shigure, who had just come in, and stated. "I'm… afraid we're to late."

Akito blinked, "Too… late?"

"He's to badly hurt, he has to be put to sleep. See this slit?" She picked up Ralph, and pointed to a little slit on the bottom of the cup, "It's going to make him bleed to death!"

Akito wailed again, and the woman went away with Ralph, and brought him back three minutes later in a box.

Akito cried the entire time, and because he was so upset, he felt like eating something. In the end Ralph's box went into the ground empty.

* * *

Look out for Ralph in future stories! Whoo! Ralph!


	6. The Sohma's Trip to Kmart Part 1

People! Hello! Sorry it's been so long since I've updated, but yes, I have been working on several at once! (The several of which turn out about as funny as a lemon.) But, in any case, this is my K-mart series! … Which counts as a one-shot, but hey! The important thing to remember about these is that they will be popping up randomly through my one-shots. So, they're not going to be in order. Anyways, enjoy!

**

* * *

**

The Sohma's Trip To Kmart - Tohru, Yuki and Kyo's Adventure!

**Prologue**

"Ah! Kyo! That's a leak…"

Leak Rice ball sprayed out of Kyo's mouth and into the sink. It was leading up to that day of the year again… the Cultural Festival! And, again, Tohru's class was making rice-balls, and again, Kyo had been caught with a leak one, and, again, he'd screamed his head off.

"Why would you make this stupid thing anyway?"

"Well… well w-we're doing vegetable flavoured rice balls this year, Kyo, so I thought… I thought…"

"Ah just forget it!" Kyo said – trying to drop the subject, but he kept the tone of 'yelling' in his voice. It must have made Tohru feel bad – well, okay, what doesn't make Tohru feel bad? – So she found herself sitting on the other side of the table, leaning her head on the wood trying to get a look to see if Kyo was crying. It was a rather funny way to sit.

"I'm sorry Kyo." She said finally, but not moving her head from the table so it was rather muffled.

Kyo blinked, and moved his head to where she could actually see it – and, well, Tohru raised her head from the table, smiling ear to ear at the orange haired teenager, who was looking uncomfortable in her direction.

"Kyo looks like he has a lot on his mind." Tohru said finally, after a moment of silence, and after she'd studied Kyo's face. "Kyo, you can complain to me if you want!" Her fist hit her chest in a 'I'm so strong – look at me' kind of way, "I don't mind!"

"Well…" But, in the end, Kyo did complain – for three hours even. "And, after all that, my clothes don't fit me anymore – see!"

"Wait. Wasn't that the style of it?"

Kyo sighed heavily. "No, baka, it's to short for me. And we're running out of food." Tohru could have screamed… but she thought for a moment and declared – "This calls for a trip to the store that has everything! K-Mart!"

"Ooooo that doesn't sound fun, doesn't it, Shigure?"

"You read my mind, Aya."

"We simply must go too!"

"I agree, Aya. We must. We must find CHOCOLATES to give to Hari."

Tohru gasped, "What's wrong with Hatori?"

"Nothing. We just want to come." The pair erupted into laughter.

The tag-alongs didn't end there, in the end of it all, all the Zodiac members (from the anime), plus Uo, Hana and Akito were tagging along as well. The trip to K-mart really had turned into a family event.

* * *

Clothes Shopping - Kyo's Experience

"Try this one on!" Tohru exclaimed, holding up a black shirt, and thrusting it at Kyo who was already dressed in clothes with tags. It was the dreaded of all the shopping – Clothes shopping.

"Uh…" Kyo couldn't see the difference between this black shirt and the other black shirts that he was trying on, and his skin was starting to cut from all the tags. However, he trusted Tohru's 'girly' instincts, and allowed her to throw some cargos in with it, as well as a neat-o looking hat.

"Did anybody see where Akito went?" Tohru asked after Kyo had gone into the changing room, turning around. They'd been asked by Hatori to mind Akito – who was now on the brink of insanity, and it seemed that they'd already lost him.

"We know where to find him, Miss Honda." Yuki said offhandedly, inspecting the next black shirt that Tohru was going to have Kyo try on.

"He does seem rather attracted to those plastic cups."

"I just hope he doesn't eat to many." Yuki exclaimed boredly, turning to look at her, then looking towards the girl section – boy would he like to see her try on that stuff! (Yes, he was looking at the underwear section.)

Tohru seemed to sense his boredom. "Don't worry, Yuki! We'll have Kyo try on these, and then decide which one we should buy him, and we'll go to the gardening section!"

Yuki's eyes lit up – but he was to busy trying to tell the difference between the black shirts. Like Kyo, he couldn't see the difference, and he couldn't tell if Tohru was a perfectionist, or she was just a girl.

"Ah! There he is! Kyo! You look great!"

Kyo came walking out – a noticeable stain of red down the back of his black shirt, which was full length.

"How do you think he looks, Yuki?" Tohru asked, turning towards Yuki.

"He looks stupid."

There was a silence, and the three of them turned into little white stick figure like people… "Ah! Kyo!"

However, it was to late, Kyo was already on the ground, his face pale – and blood around his entire body.

The moral of this part? Always make sure that when you put on clothes that the tag is outside of the clothes you're trying on.

* * *

Gardening Section – Yuki's Experience

Kyo had been revived, and as promised, the trio was now in the Gardening section – at the books. Kyo and Tohru both thought it was the most boring thing in the world, but Yuki seemed to be enjoying himself, reading how to make large potatoes. It was then that Tohru spotted the flower seedlings.

"Wow! How pretty!"

The small things were planted in small black pots, and the colours were so vibrant, that even if Tohru were blind she would have been able to see them. Both Kyo and Yuki turned to look at Tohru, who was bending over, looking at them, but, instead of looking towards the flowers, they fell on Tohru's buttocks, then on each other, than on the ground.

"I'll plant some of those flowers in my garden, Miss Honda." Yuki said, standing up and walking towards Tohru, and bending down with her – this, of course, enraged Kyo.

"Really? Thank you Yuki!" Tohru went starry eyed, and instead of looking at the flowers, her eyes connected with his – and Yuki's head connected with a chainsaw. It seemed that Kyo had been so enraged that he'd found time to find the appliance section, get the chain saw, log it back, and chop Yuki in two. Kyo is really athletic, you know?

* * *

Tohru's Experience – Home Section

"Awe! These things are so cute! Look Kyo, Yuki!" Nobody knew how Yuki had come back to life, and nobody really cared. Now, they were doing what Tohru wanted to do – and looking in the Home section of K-Mart.

"Akito should be around here." Yuki commented, still not talking to Kyo – he had killed him after all. (Kyo had had to buy the black shirt that he'd bleed to death all over.)

"Look! They have fish in these cups! Oh… I hope they're okay." Yes, Tohru was raving on about one of those kiddie cups – one with the plastic fish and stars that bobble around in the cup when you shake it.

Yuki and Kyo were too polite to say anything about it, so Yuki said, "Akito should be around here."

"Yep!" Tohru said happily, "I just hope he hasn't devoured K-marts entire stash of party cups."

"That'd be humiliating." Kyo agreed, vomiting at the thought of it.

Tohru simply grinned, and stepped over the vomit.

"I'm sure that he'll be fine."

"… Hey! There he is!"

Yuki and Kyo both looked up – well, Kyo looked up from the floor – Akito was sitting there, in the corner, stroking a pack of 20 party cups with a look on his face that spelt 'love'.

"Uh… Akito…" Tohru paused, noticing that Akito was chewing, and then looked at the shelf that had once held them… empty.

"How many did you eat?" Yuki asked, stopping just behind Tohru, his eyes lowering onto Akito with the usual hate.

"… All of it." Akito said finally, and broke out with laughter.

"Boy is his crap going to be messed up. Does plastic even digest?" Kyo asked, stopping just behind Yuki, and looking at Akito with mild interest.

"Akito. Give… me… the… cups…" Tohru said, walking slowly with her hand outstretched to receive the last packet of cups that Akito was stroking. Akito blinked in her direction, and hissed like a cat, huddling up with his precious cups.

"The cups…" Her hand moved closer. Akito hissed louder.

"… OW! FOR GOD SAKES!" Tohru pulled her hand – or well, her wrist – back. Yuki and Kyo were both speechless – Akito had just ripped Tohru's hand off.

The moral? Never get between Akito and his Party Cups.

* * *

Again, this is the first of a saga I'm doing. Next time it's Ayame, Shigure and Hatori's turn! Whoo! Look forward too it!


	7. Dressing up Hatori

I actually got a lesson to write this one - and that was about two days ago. Sorry it took me so long to post it - Fanfiction seems to be messing up. Maybe it's my computer. Maybe it's the magical Goblin babies under my bed! Le gasp  
Anyways, enjoy! (And pity me - for I failed my story writing exam xD)

Disclaimer x2 (because I forgot last time) - I don't own Furuba.

* * *

Dress Ups With Hatori

"Ha'ri! Ha'ri! Ha'ri!" Ayame and Shigure were sitting directly on either side of Hatori, whom was trying feverously to work on his latest patients report, but with Shigure and Ayame speaking his name into his ear – that was a very hard thing to do. So, his hands shot up to his ears, trying to block out the sound.

"You won't block us out that easily, Ha'ri!" Aya said, grinning from ear to ear, and the pair started repeating his name harder. By the end of it, Hatori was banging his head against the desk.

* * *

"We're so glad you could get time of off work for us, Ha'ri!"

Ayame was now delving into his stash of dress-ups, while Hatori was sitting with a soothing cup of tea, and reading Shigure's latest love novel – Shigure had thrust it down the back of his shirt, and it had taken Hatori fifteen minutes to find a way to get it out, and after that, Shigure had not shut up about how good it was, and Hatori had ended up reading it, of course this was so that Shigure would "Shut the hell up", which he did, but he sat there swinging back and forth.

"… It's not like I was getting any work done." Hatori replied to Aya's comment, twitching at the content of Shigure's book. Hatori was highly tempted to light a match under the book and burn it into nothing – any sane person that would read it of their own free will was sick. The author… was just uncomment able.

"We're going to have so much fun!" Aya declared, fishing out random costumes, firstly trying to find something for himself and Shigure to wear.

"Ooooh, dress-ups, Aya?" Shigure asked, grinning, watching Aya sort through the Costume. "I don't want to be the Midwife, today."

"Oh, No, Gure-san, these aren't for us." Aya said, seemingly disgusted that Shigure would suggest such a thing.

"What?" Both Hatori and Shigure stated – both of which had very different views of the actual thing. Shigure was disappointed, and Hatori could only guess what was going to happen.

"They're for Ha'ri."

Hatori could have died – and he almost did, had Shigure not had the zappy-things ready to zap him back to life, which he did, because Hatori had a heart attack.

"I made all new costumes just for Ha'ri!" Aya exclaimed, turning the box around, and it read "Costumes for Hatori".

"A… few?" Hatori asked, white in the face, before considering drowning in his remaining tea.

"Ya! You're going to try them on too!"

The topic was non-negotiable. Ayame (And Shigure) wanted Hatori to try on the outfits, and if he didn't, he'd be probably facing more of Ayame and Shigure that week. The costumes and Ayame and Shigure were equal on the weigh on the scales – and both of them seemed to be as bad as the other.

"First!" Aya said, throwing out what appeared to be a respectable suit, that resembled the costume of Sherlock Homes. Hatori didn't think it looked that bad, until he realised that the long pants were in fact fluro pink.

Still, Ayame forced these upon Hatori – and since Hatori didn't want Ayame actually dressing him (which he looked like he was about to do), Hatori snatched the costume from Ayame, and proceeded to get changed. They did, in fact, suit him, which was very, very bizarre.

Of course, Ayame and Shigure forced him to parade around in it, and turn around on the spot.

The costumes weren't that bad, until Ayame pulled out his "All time favourite", the girly Hatori. The costume was a knee high sparkly dress, it was long sleeved – not Singlet top, to which Hatori thanked the gods for, but along with high heels.

"Put this one on, Ha'ri!"

Hatori blinked, before Ayame placed the clothes in his hands, and he simply stared at it for a while. In the end, he had to be lead away to the changing room, by Aya, who was shouting about how "What an amazing job I did! You can hardly believe it, right?"

It took Hatori double the time to change into it (it had a zipper), and when he had it on, he realised just how stupid he looked. He was about to take it off, when Shigure and Ayame burst through the door.

"It fits you beautifully, Ha'ri!"

"Yeah! Yeah!"

* * *

Three days past, and Hatori still didn't return to work. In fact, he was so disturbed about the dress incident, that the Sohma's had to hire a psychologist (for him and Akito), and the payment was coming out of Hatori's own pocket. On the up side, Ritsu scored himself a new dress.

* * *

Heh! My Dad's a Psychologist. Bet you didn't know that! Hey... I wonder if he was the one that worked on Hatori?


	8. Annoying the Editor

This is a short one that I managed to get out of my mind while waiting for my Dad to go to sleep... okay, so I'm still waiting... but that's not the point! Anyways, this is Shigure's personal list (in no particular order) of how to annoy his Editor (the name of whom I've completely forgotten.)

Also, I guess I should warn all Michael Jackson fans that there is one in there that you won't like... so I guess I'm accepting flames for that one line. Oh well. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba - but Akito would be nice.

* * *

How to annoy your editor. 20 easy steps from the Master.

1. Top off her latte with Shaving Cream instead of foam.

2. Say "are we there yet" over and over again for no reason.

3. Have a random Tea-Party with Ayame.

4. Tell her that the "dog" ate the Manuscripts.

5. Offer to write your editors will.

6. Declare the bathroom "No-go" zone.

7. Become her groupie.

8. Make her play "hide-and-seek" with the Manuscript – hide the manuscript in your underwear draw.

9. Throw confetti.

10. Pretend to be Michael Jackson.

11. Hum the Captain Linger Theme-song, but in put her name.

12. Put police-tape everywhere, and get Tohru (poor Tohru) to tell her that you've died trying to complete the manuscripts.

13. Randomly go and visit Akito, bring her back a souvenir (a half chewed Party Cup)

14. Whenever she says something happy reply with: "Oh… that's so tragic… you poor thing."

15. Make a list of all the ways to annoy her and past it on the fridge. (Which is just where this is going…)

16. Parade around in a Maid's Outfit (then offer to buy one for her)

17. Say: "takes one to know one" every time she speaks.

18. Actually finish the manuscripts and declare that they've gone missing.

19. Cry waterfalls for no other reason that the pig that lived 3 kilometres down the road has died of unknown causes.

20. Declare her an Alien that must be eradicated.

* * *

Wow! Did you see how short that was? Anyways, if you don't know how the Captain Linger theme song goes, it goes like this:  
Captain Linger, Captain Linger, the day he saves, may be his own! 


	9. Destruction of a Vase

Hello! It's been so long since I've updated… yes… so long… but this is my latest completed one shot! Whoo! For all you Yuki fans, this is one of the few where Yuki will get the upper hand of Aya. (Gawd, my best friend is going to kill me >>; )

**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba. No, I don't.

* * *

**

Destruction of a Vase

"YUKI-KUN!" Aya exclaimed, flying in through Shigure's newly plastered rice paper, picking off small bits as he did. "Guess who!"

"Do I want to know?" Yuki asked sarcastically. He was currently placing together the vase that he broke in _How does Hatori do it_.

"Of course you do!" Aya grinned, sitting in front of the purple haired teen, a rather excited look on his face. Yuki, sensing the complete idiocy in his brothers words, glued another piece onto his puzzle.

"Lets see… Kagura?"

"Nope."

"… Haru?"

"Nope."

"Shigure?"

"Oh yes! Where is the little bugger! I forgot to gi- wait, I'm not here for that!" Ayame giggled, thumping his head playfully. "Nope! Guess again!"

"I wonder…" Yuki pondered, he knew he was going to regret this. He placed the last piece of the cluttered vase back together, and admiring his handy work. "Could it possibly be my older and slightly insane brother, Ayame?"

Aya grinned, thumped his hands on the table – this made the table bounce with him, which overturned the vase, which in turn, shattered it into even smaller pieces. "Right you are! And do you know why I'm here, Yuki? … Yuki?"

Yuki's eyes dilated. Masking his emotions, he stood, and faced the opposite direction of Ayame. Aya tilted his head, and stood.

"I'm going too…"

"Yes Yuki?"

"I'm going too…"

"Yes, what?"

"KILL YOU!" Yuki exploded, his face rather Black Haru like as he turned around swiftly, his hands as fists. "YOU STUPID SNAKE! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!"

"That vase was unartistic anyway." Aya replied, stupid enough not to get the hint.

"…" Yuki's right fist connected with Ayame's left cheek, sending him flying – along with a lot of his makeup as well. Finally, Aya got the hint, and went flying out through the wall, seeking help.

* * *

"GURE-SAN!" 

Shigure put his head out of his study door, and watched as Ayame skidded to a halt before him, pointing in all directions. "Yuki… murderous… rampage…"

"What?" Shigure asked, tilting his head.

"YUKI IS ON A GOD DAMN MURDEROUS RAMPAGE!"

"Really now, Aya, your tricks have to stop. Murderous rampage? You sure it ain't Kyo dressed up in a dress?" Shigure asked – receiving a donk on the head from Kyo, who happened to have been in the study the entire time.

"You wanna repeat that, mutt?"

"N-No, nothing. Anyways, Aya, I don't believe yo-"

"YOU STUPID SILVER SNAKE! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR HEAD INTO THE WALL!"

Yuki, covered in a clear red fiery flamed background had just rounded the corner, and even Kyo was intimidated. Shigure, however, had a rather bored look on his face. "You destroyed the vase he spent three months on repairing, didn't you?"

"I didn't do it on purpose!"

"If I were you, Aya, I'd run."

"Roger." And, Aya did just that, racing out of the house – followed by Yuki – and into the forest.

* * *

After two hours of solid running, Aya was exhausted, but he _had _managed to ditch Yuki. Aya collapsed under a random tree, panting, and rubbing the sweat from his forehead. As far as he knew, he'd left Yuki running in the opposite direction half an hour ago. It was rather miss-placed however, that a breeze would suddenly pick up down his path. 

POOF!

The snake form of Aya felt dizzy for a moment. After he'd gotten his head – and when he realised that he was lower to the ground, he swore, but, he saw the advantage – perhaps… he was a tree climbing snake? If he was, he could weave 3 times as fast as he could run…

"GOD DAMN IT AYA! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO?" Yuki screamed, clenching his fists, and looking around in the forest. Yuki was now starting to look like an old man. His face was covered in wrinkles, and he was playing chess as he walked.

"… Well, well, well… what do we have here?"

"Few." Aya muttered, resting in his small bed of leafs. "Lost him."

"Ayame's clothes… interesting…" It was then that Yuki got an idea. "Ah-ha."

Yes, this vase smashing punk wasn't going to get away with it. After all, that was the 5th time it'd been broken. So, gathering up his brothers clothes, Yuki sauntered back towards the house.

"G-Gure-san… Can I borrow… a yukata?"

Shigure erupted with laughter, as he noticed the naked Ayame hiding uncomfortably in the shrubbery. "So, when Yuki said that he had 'got you back good and proper' he meant this? Wah! So funny!"

* * *

I'm sure you've noticed by now that I seem to be losing inspiration for my fanfictions… I need YOUR HELP! I need two or more characters, a setting, and a dilemma. However, don't fear! I have enough inspiration to give Ralph another story! He's up next! Fear him! 


	10. Pregnant Ralph

Hey-o! It's me again! Sorry for the long wait on the update, but it took me _forever _to write this story. FOREVER! Which is kind of... insulting to my mind oO; But, in any case, now I'm writing two fics at once (the other being "Invitations" my Peacemaker fic - give it a read xD) so updates might be a bit slow. But... I'm still out of inspiration! I mean, come on! There must be _some _situation you want to see your favourite characters in! I don't care who it is! (Discluding Rin and Kureno).

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never will. Stop pestering me about it.**

**

* * *

**

**Ralph – Pregnant?**

"Isn't Ralph just the cutest thing?" Akito asked Hatori, grinning from ear to ear as he poked the (replaced) plastic cup in the side, making a small dint. "I think he's adorable."

"Yes, Akito, he's wonderful. Now, would you _please _stay still so I can give you the shot."

"DON'T WANT IT!" Akito declared, even though his other hand was placed firmly in Shigure (who had been called over to hold Akito's hand while he got a blood test and two injections).

"Akito, would you be a good boy, for Gure?"

Akito turned in Shigure's direction, and grinned. "Okie!"

Hatori however, could have sunk in his own misery. _He _was the only person who saw Akito every single freaking day, and yet he only did what the dog said. It kind of reminded him of Ayame. Kind of. Not really.

"Itai! Itai! Gure-san, itai!"

"Ha'ri, don't you think you could be more careful with Akito?" Shigure asked, tilting his head at Hatori. Hatori blinked, and extracted the needle – that only had a few droplets of drug left in it.

"I was being as gentle as I could." Hatori muttered, before looking at the syringe. "Oh. I used the wrong drug. Oh well."

"Ano… Gure-san… Ralph's been getting fatter lately."

How Akito could tell that Ralph was getting fatter was beyond both Hatori and Shigure. For one, each time Akito poked him, he pushed in some of Ralph's plastic – if anything, Akito should be telling them that he'd become anorexic.

"I think he's going to have babies!" Akito declared, grinning. Both Hatori and Shigure twitched.

"Babies?" The asked in unison.

"Babies!" Akito declared. Clearly Akito didn't understand the anatomy of males – males didn't have babies. Or… was it that Shigure and Hatori didn't understand the anatomy of a Party cup?

"How close do you think he is?" Shigure asked, putting on mock concern – that of course Akito fell for.

"I think he'll have it today!"

Hatori and Shigure sweat dropped, and looked in each others direction. Then, Hatori stood up. "If you'll excuse me for a moment, I suppose we'd better get ready for it."

Akito failed to notice that Hatori took his car keys with him, Shigure on the other hand breathed a sigh of relief.

"Where is he going to have them?" Shigure asked when Hatori was gone – better to play along with Akito than to go against him.

"Well, Hatori is a doctor right? I think he'll bring towels and stuff!"

"Oh. Okay."

Hatori returned 20 minutes later, and it appeared that Akito was terrified. He was looking at Ralph, the party cup, and he was sweating. "HATORI! RALPH'S IN LABOUR!"

_Oh boy. _Hatori thought, twitching. Kneeled beside the cup, and picked it up, and placed a towel under him. Again, Akito failed to notice something Hatori did – he placed a pack of 5 miniature paper party cups behind his back.

In Akito's mind, it didn't take very long for Ralph to actually give birth to the party cups. Unfortunately, he didn't actually get a chance to see Ralph popping out the cups – seeing as each time Hatori would shout, "Look over there!" and Akito would look, and when he looked back, there was another one of Ralph's children on the towel. (During that time, of course, when Akito had looked away, Hatori took one cup out of the packet and placed it on the towel. Shigure found this hilarious, and told them he had to use the bathroom, but there were reports afterwards of him laughing stupidly, and almost drowning in the toilet.)

"Is it over?" Akito asked quietly, looking with pride over his new 'family'.

"Yeah, it's over." Hatori said. _I've run out of cups, anyway._

"Wow! He's a Daddy! I bless these babies under…"

In Hatori's mind, Akito's voice was fading away. He was tired, he was hungry, he was all around annoyed that he had to spend $5 on cups that were half the size of the normal ones, and he didn't have the brain power to listen to Akito bless them on behalf of the Party Cup God.

Three weeks later

Akito looked sadly over the towel that Ralph's babies had once occupied. Hatori had found good homes for all the babies (of course, this was in his garbage can), and Akito was feeling a bit lonely. But… during that time, an idea had struck him – he planned to breed Ralph!

When Hatori had found out, he'd left the room in a huff, muttering something about "wasting money on mini cups that cost double that of normal cups…"

* * *

This was a short story. See how much I'm lacking, inspirational wise?


	11. The Moo Bell

Sorry it took so long for me to update oO; This story in particular is one that I've been working on for at least two months nn;; The main focus is a little problem Haru has with a school bell. This was influenced by my own School Bell... that sounds exactly like the same bell described oO; Heh, whenever I hear it, I think of Haru.

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

* * *

The Moo Bell

"Haru-kun! Haru-kun!"

Haru moved his eyes (not his head) to face Momiji, whom was skipping quite happily beside him. "Isn't this exciting, Haru-kun? First day of term?"

Haru grunted, now ignoring Momiji's rambling about how exciting it was, and disappearing into his own little world (which consisted of green pastures – which were edible.)

"Ah! Momiji-kun! Haru-kun!"

Momiji's eyes lit up when Tohru Honda came into view – Haru, however, was reluctant to leave his own security in the green pastures.

"How was your holidays?"

"Great! How about you, Tohru?"

"Mine were great too! We took Akito to K-mart." (- Taken from "The Sohma's Trip to K-mart", a series I'm working on. Look out for it!)

"Where's Kyo-kun and Yuki-kun?"

Tohru sweat dropped, twiddling her thumbs. "Ky-Kyo-kun unfortunately, found um, a cat on heat… and um, I think Yuki's off pulling Kyo off of it."

"Wow. What do you think about that, Haru? Kyo uh…"

"It's wonderful."

Tohru and Momiji went pale, but Haru was still in his own little world, until…

DONG

"Moo"

DONG

"Mooo"

DONG

"Moo"

DONG

"Mooo!"

Haru hiccuped. "What in the hell…"

Both Momiji and Tohru were looking at Haru stunned, but both decided to play it off as just a coincidence. Yes, they thought nothing of it.

"Shall we set out to class?"

"Yes!" Momiji stated, while Haru just grunted.

* * *

"It's not like I was _doing_ anything to it, you damned rat!"

"God, I don't even want to _describe_ what you did to that cat. If that was a kid, you'd be just like Michael Jackson!"

"I am not like Michael Jackson!" Kyo spat, attempting to hit Yuki in the head.

"Wait, I'm sorry. Maybe you're more like Elton John then, cat boy."

"WAH! YOU LITTLE…"

Tohru looked a little blank as she watched the pair fight.

* * *

"Haru, is something wrong?" Momiji asked, tilting his head to look at Haru, who was just getting over a series of 'Moo' attacks. Haru blinked.

"No… I don't think I am."

"Well, that's good then." Momiji said, taking for granted that Haru said the opposite to what he had actually said.

"I'm going to the nurse."

Momiji payed no attention to it.

* * *

"Nurse…" Haru said, opening the door to the office. Unfortunately for him, Hatori had gotten a day job – the price of Ralph's cup kin was getting too high – so it was him who greeted Haru instead.

"Hatsuharu. What a surprise."

Haru groaned.

"Sit down please."

"What gives?" Haru asked, sitting on the edge of one of the two beds that was in there. "I thought you were only a _Sohma_ doctor."

"I was, but then the costs for… well, the costs for one of Akito's recreational activities got too high. I had no choice. I only work here for a few days a week. Anyways, what seems to be the problem."

"I seem to be mooing."

"Huh? The toilet's over there. Knock yourself out."

"NOT POOING, YOU STUPID DRAGON!" Haru stated. He wasn't Black, but that had really irritated him. "Something is making me moo. You know, the sound cows make?"

"Right." Hatori said, arching his eyebrow. "And that would be because…"

"Be-"

DONG

"Moo"  
DONG

"Mooo"  
DONG

"Moo"  
DONG

"Mooo!"

Haru hiccuped afterwards. "See? That's what I mean, Hatori."

Hatori, however was in a rare state of fits of laughter. He was crouched in the corner, trying not to let the laughter over whelm him. Haru sweat dropped.

When Hatori had gained his posture, he turned around, wiped a tear from his eye and said; "Haru, what do cows normally wear around their neck?"

"A… cow bell?"

"That's right. Have you ever heard one?"

"Not… really…"

"Well, the new school bell is based off a cow bell. It must be your demon responding to the bell. It's the 'cow inside you'."

"Oh…" Haru said. Sighing. He wasn't looking forward to the term – not at all.

* * *

Happy days nn;! It's finished! ... o.o! Don't give me that horrified face! I meant that story, not the series XDD


	12. Random High School Drabble

Gah! I have to apologise for this one. It didn't turn out as funny as I would have hoped, but oh well. It's just a genre I had to try. This one focuses around a normal day of High School for Ayame, Shigure and Hatori. Sorry for the lack of funny oO;

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Never will.**

* * *

Random High School Drabble

"Shigure, pay attention." Hatori leant over the table and elbowed the sleeping one-day-to-be novelist in the ribs, causing him to open his eyes. Blinking, he wiped the drool on his face, and looked up at the teacher, and in about three minutes he felt himself getting drowsy yet again.

"Shigure!" Hatori hissed again, and again the novelist awoke.

"Is there some reason," Shigure's high school teacher stated, "That Mr. Sohma can't concentrate?"

Shigure had fallen asleep for the third time this lesson. The teacher looked at Hatori, who shrugged lightly, before banging her one metre ruler on the boys desk.

Shigure jumped. "I'M SORRY MUM, I'LL FINISH CALCULATING THE AMOUNT OF MATTER IN OUR CHICKENS!"

"Well, Shigure Sohma, while you're calculating the matter of chickens, you can answer the question on page 65."

The entire class sweat dropped.

* * *

"Man, that sucked." Shigure stated, crossing his hands over his chest and looking absently over at Aya, who like Yuki would in the future, had his very own fan club. The only difference was that Aya actually signed autographs for his fans.

Hatori shrugged. "It's your own fault for falling asleep." This was spoken in a monotone, as was everything that Hatori said, "So I'd advise you… SHIGURE! WAKE UP!"

Shigure jumped awake. Hatori's voice worked like happy gas. It made you not feel anything, and on occasions put one to sleep. Hatori hadn't noticed this.

"Gure-san! You look awful!" Aya said, now coming to join the two after signing his last autograph. "Stay up late?"

"Yeah." Shigure said, sighing. "Akito called."

This got eyebrows from both Ayame and Hatori. "And…?"

"And she was going on about fortune telling. She kept me up until 3 am last night just going on about how one day she'd have a puppy called Ralph, and how I'd be writing smutty romance novels."

"Wow!" Aya said, grinning, "You mean those stories will become actual novels? How cool!"

Hatori sweat dropped. "You mean… you read them… Aya?"

"Haven't you?"

Hatori had a sudden urge to hide under the table.

* * *

"I had a run in yesterday." Aya said finally, after a silence had become the pair. Yes, pair. Hatori had sulked off to the toilets to avoid being seen with Ayame and Shigure.

"A run in?" Shigure asked, his head in a plate of mashed potatoes, barely awaked.

"Yeah. With a girl."

"Did ya… you know…"

"Bonk her? You know I can't do that!" Ayame said, horrified.

Shigure sweat dropped.

"I didn't mean that, Aya. I meant did you change."

"Change clothes? Goodness, Gure-san! I'm not going to do that in the middle of the street!"

"No, I meant did you transform."

"Oh!… Transform into what?"

"INTO A SNAKE, STUPID!" Shigure erupted, standing up, now awake because of Aya's stupidity. The entire lunch room fell silent, and Shigure slowly sat down.

"You're a sly dog, Gure-san." Aya said, quick to take up a save. "Of course I snaked my way around her. I can make girls to _anything_."

All the girls in the room looked desperately at Aya for a minute, then recess resumed. Both Aya and Shigure sighed with relief.

* * *

In the next period, the trio had a dramatic monologue to perform. Of course, Aya did it as dramatically as humanly possible, and left the room in tears.

Aya's Monologue.

Ayame sighed, leaning against what he was portraying as a wall. He had his hair tied back in a pony-tail, as well as a woman's yukata.

"I don't believe it could happen," Aya said slowly, looking quite distraught, "I can't believe that I keep disappointing them… I can't keep going on like this! Maybe the tennis racquet is the only way…"

(The whole class sat confused.)

"But…" Aya said, sighing dramatically, standing and moving into the middle, looking both ways. "Perhaps… without her… there is no reason to live in this world…"

(It suddenly became painfully obvious for Hatori and Shigure who he was portraying, and they both blocked their ears before lift off, which came seconds later.)

"WORLD, FORGIVE ME, WORLD! GOMEN NASAI! GOMEN NASAI! FORGIVE ME, ALL THE PEOPLE THAT I HAVE DEGRADED WITH MY PRESENCE! PLEASE MAKE ME DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH, I JUST WANT TO DIE!" He paused, before making himself seem very small. "But… even if I say this… I don't have the guts to do it. I don't have the guts to jump off a building, or to pick up a knife… I don't have the confidence to do anything. That is why… that is why I started to wear these clothes. I felt… less… pressured this way. But… it seemed to make everybody unhappy…"

(Half the girls in the class were now in tears. Shigure sat in fits of giggles, while Hatori was looking mildly amused.)

"I just… want to leave the world."

Ayame bowed, and got an outstanding applause.

* * *

"This was a randomly productive day, wasn't it?" Shigure asked, grinning, swinging his hands – and his bag – from side to side as he kept in stride with Ayame and Hatori.

"You're right."

"I got an A+ for my monologue!" Aya said happily.

"Did you go and pester Ritsu for the info?" Hatori asked boredly, looking at Aya with a disapproving manner.

"No, I asked, and Ritsu was more than willing to hand it over."

"Yeah right. What'd you give him?"

"… Three dozen yukatas."

"Figures."

* * *

Sorry again for the lack of funny, but I just had to try it xD


	13. You Know You Are A Furuba Fan When

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. Nope. Sure don't.**

This is something I wrote up randomly because I was bored. It doesn't count as a fic... but hey. xD

* * *

You know you're a Fruits Basket fan when…

1. You compare clothes that are remotely similar to Ayame's designs

2. You become a doctor purely to be with Hatori, excel, then quit when you discover that he's only a cartoon character

3. Demand that all boys look like Yuki

4. Become the Class President/Captain so that you can follow in Yuki and Ayame's foot steps

5. Do an assessment on the Chinese Zodiac just because you can, and ace it.

6. Get a cow money-box and when you put money in it you say; "Here you go Haru."

7. When you want to talk to the dominate person in the household, you ask the nearest person that; "you demand to see the crazy manipulative family head".

8. Become a Novelist and publish – what you think – Shigure's works are

9. Get an Editor for the heck of it

10. You can repeat every word of the anime, and reciet the manga from memory.

11. You dye your hair orange.

12. You attempt to shock people with your 'electric waves'.

13. You have dreams of marrying one or more characters

14. You hug a person of the opposite sex and brace yourself for transformation

15. You avoid hugging people all together in fear of transformation

16. You stop crying in Hatori's Past, Momiji's Past, and the last three episodes

17. Get depressed when character pairings are announced because you wanted to be that characters pairings

18. Write fanfictions with yourself as the pairing with your favourite character.

19. Get a Fruits Basket clock with the characters heads for the minutes, and there for you refer to hours as; "Yuki o'clock, Shigure o'clock etc."

20. Explain to your friends the importance of Fruits Basket in full detail in the middle of an importantexam.


	14. Kyos Dream

**Disclaimer: Don't own Fruits Basket.**

Yo! It's me again! I'll bet you aren't the least bit surprised oO;  
But, in any case, I've been struck with a brain wave, yet again, and this story focuses around Kyo. I have to warn about some things though. For all you Michael Jackson lovers, I'd turn back, and there's a chapter down the bottom that's a bit suggestive. Other than that, READ IT AND REVIEW!

**

* * *

**

**Kyo's Dream**

"Kyo! Come shopping with me!"

Kyo groaned. His eyes focused on the hyperactive blonde haired rabbit, who was bouncing around him on a sugar high. "I want to get the newest _Pokemon_ figurine!"

Trust Momiji to be into all the latest fads. Kyo sighed. This day wasn't promising to be a good one, and it had started out pretty bizarrely as well. He'd just randomly found himself ten metres away from the house and in his pyjamas no less. Not only that, he hadn't given any thought as to why he was in his pyjamas, and now that he thought about it, it was rather confusing. And then he'd just gone and walked _straight through_ the door instead of opening it, and discovered the blonde inside who was just waiting to ask him to go shopping with him. And that was where he had ended up now.

"I don't want to." Kyo groaned, absentmindedly plucking lint of his pyjamas.

"Come on, Kyo! I need company! Go with me! Go with me!" Momiji tugged on Kyo's arm, almost pulling it out of its socket. But, surprisingly enough, it wasn't painful.

"Alright." Kyo said, "But only if you go and dance the cancan with several dressed up Leprechauns with bazookas." Now that was something that Kyo knew Momiji _couldn't_ do. Still, Momiji didn't lose heart, and stood up, bouncing out the front door in search of his dressed up Leprechauns with bazookas.

* * *

The next thing Kyo knew was that he was standing in front of Shigure's study. He didn't know how he got there, why he was there, or why the sign on the door said: 'perverts only' and had a picture of Hatori grinning on it. Still, seeing as Kyo wasn't giving much thought to anything that day, why would he give any thought to this? 

So, he slid open the door, and was surprisingly not surprised to have Shigure bounce over to him, put his arm around him and declare; "I'm glad you've decided to join our race of super beings!"

Before anything actually tuned in, Kyo took a look around him. The room resembled '_Dexter's Lab_', a television show that he sometimes watched on _Cartoon Network_. It had all different kind of gadgets, as well as pictures of Michael Jackson plastered everywhere, and it was all a sickly coloured pink.

"Super beings?" Kyo asked, hardly even listening. "And what do you mean our?"

"Yo!" Hatori said, appearing out of thin air with chopsticks in his left hand, he clicked them twice, then prodded Kyo's forehead with them. "Is this our Chosen One, Shigure?"

"Yeah." Shigure said, grinning as he prodding Kyo in the side of her head with his index finger, "He sure is! Kyo-kun the Perverted Master!"

"I am not a Perverted Master!" Kyo screamed, thumping Shigure on the side of the head. Shigure, of which, acted much like a Yuki fan club girl and declared that he wouldn't wash that side of his face _ever_ again.

"Now then, down to business." Hatori said, sounding serious now, and plopping a map with nothing but a large X written in the middle. The only thing that indicated it was _actually_ a map; was italic typing at the top corner that said, none other than; "Map".

Kyo blinked. "Uh…"

"We need to you to go to the end of the earth to find the Wagumpalumpy."

"Wagumpa-what?"

"Wagumpalumpy. It's a statue that holds the Perverts God, Wagumpalumpy."

"… That was pretty much obvious, Hatori. So, exactly why are you in this… would you call it a cult? anyway."

"I've been hiding a few things from the waking world." Hatori said, nodding seriously, before getting back to business. "So, will you do it?"

"NO I BLOODY WELL WON'T!" Kyo erupted, storming out of the door.

Hatori and Shigure sighed in unison, before Hatori spoke. "Maybe we should get Mr. Jackson on the phone then."

"You're probably right." Shigure agreed, reaching for the phone.

* * *

"God damn those perverts…" Kyo mumbled, once again finding himself in a bizarre place. This time, he was in… Uo's room? Blinking, he paused to pick up a picture, that his eyes would not register, before a fist came promptly in his face. 

Uo looked furious. "YOU PERVERT!"

Kyo flinched. The punch itself didn't even hurt, but her screaming did mental damage. Was it him, or was he turning into Shigure? Obviously not as fast as Uo was turning into Akito.

Why Uo had suddenly changed into the party-cup loving Akito, Kyo didn't know. But his eyes were full of tears, and he shot another punch – which missed – at Kyo. "YOU RALPH KILLER!"

Kyo blinked, now utterly and completely confused. Ralph… killer? What the heck?

"You thought I wouldn't find out, didn't you!" Akito continued to scream, thrusting his fists – and still missing – at Kyo's body. Kyo was getting nervous. The head was… crazy! And was that… Momiji dancing the cancan in the background with bazooka armed Leprechauns?

* * *

Kyo shot awake, panting. He brought his hand to his head, breathing out a sigh of relief, until he realised he wasn't alone. The other person groaned. It was a deep groan, so Kyo registered it wasn't a woman… wait. What the? Why would a _man_ be in bed with him? 

"Kyo… did you have a bad dream?" The other teen rolled over, looking up at the cat, who was looking with pure terror at him. Yuki looked extremely comfortable, lying next to him… lying next to him! He was reaching out his hand…  
Kyo screamed, and fell out of the bed.

* * *

"Oomph." Kyo muttered, colliding with the polished floor with a sickening thud. He flinched, slightly untangling himself from his bedding, and then he paused and listened. Thankfully, all he could hear was his own rapid breathing. He further untangled himself from his bedding, and looked up on top of the mattress. No Yuki. Thank God. It had all been a dream. A strange double dream, because he knew he'd woken up _somewhere_ within it all. Still, he brought his hand to his chest and sighed in relief. That was the _last_ time he fought with Yuki before bed.

* * *

Well, that's it, my newest update. Pretty scary, no? Sorry it's not one of my funniest works >>;  
Ah! Also! A reviewer (AKA CC) requested a fic about Ritsu going psycho. But I can't decide what story line I should follow (in other words, I'm blank as to what Ritsu could go psycho about.) So, any ideas would be appreciated! Thanks!  
Please look forward to the next pointless story nn


	15. Randomness Chapter

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket**

Heh... another chapter... a day after my last! I feel proud nn! And thanks for your ideas about Ritsu, I'm still thinkin', and your ideas have really helped.

**

* * *

**

**Randomness Chapter**

Okay. This chapter deserves an… explanation if you will. I was sitting in English today, reading through some War Poems – no, this isn't a poem by the way – and a sudden thought hit me. What parts would the Sohma's play in a nativity scene? Yes, it was a very random thought… but it was funny to think about it, and reasons why. So! Here's what I came up with. Also this is pretty much an OOC chapter nn;;

The Baby Jesus is played by… Ralph

Okay. You're all thinking _"what the heck does Ralph have to do with the Zodiac?"_ and, well, that's quite simple. You see, when I interviewed them all for their roles, Akito insisted that he wanted to be Baby Jesus. But, when I got the stage set up, he got stage fright, and made me put Ralph on in his place instead.

The Virgin Mary is played by… Yuki

This was Tohru's idea, because she turned down ever role that I threw at her. The idea was also backed up by Shigure, and Kyo – who got punched in the jaw. And I thought it would be funny. Yuki does look like a girl after all.

Joseph is played by… Kyo

We made Kyo Joseph just to piss him off. After all, you'd get pissed off too, if you were paired with a cross-dressing Yuki.

The Angel Gabriel and the Angel that appeared to the Shepard's are played by… Ritsu

Ritsu insisted on this because in his mind, Gabriel cross dresses, and he couldn't get the Mary part. Unfortunately for him, Shigure thought it was funny, and I'm not sure if I can get him to come on stage.

The Three Wise Men are played by… Shigure, Hatori and Ayame

Aya and Shigure decided on this one, and dragged Hatori in with them on short notice. Still, when you think of three men, you think of this trio, no? … Except maybe not with wise in between.

The Shepards are played by… Kisa, Momiji and Haru

Unfortunately, Haru might not be able to make the show. He's on a restraining order after going black and destroying our set. But, Momiji and Kisa are still around. Joy!

The Shepards Sheep is played by… Hiro

This roll was self chosen by me. Hiro's just to cute to be anything _other_ than a sheep. I mean, he might be an obnoxious sheep… but… you can't help that.

Herod is played by… Akito

We had to slot him in somewhere and whether Akito likes it or not, this is his rightful place.

* * *

Well, that's all of them. (I haven't read the manga, so I don't know about Kureno and Rin – sorry!). I hope you liked nn;; 


	16. To all you Reviewers

**Disclaimer: None is needed for this chapter.**

Okay. This is my page of review answers – or comments – so far in my Fanfiction Publishing career. If you haven't reviewed, you might want to skip this chapter and go straight on to the next story.

**

* * *

**

**To all you Reviewers!**

**October Darkness: **It took a while, but people did review. Thanks a bunch nn!

**JelliBeinz: **A lot of people say that, but thanks nn;

**Karitani Noa: **Gosh! You reviewed more than once! Yay, thanks! And, Akito rules with Party Cups! Whoo! And I'm glad you're a Ralph lover nn! Also, thanks for filling out your answers to the; _You know you are a Furuba Fan when…_ page.

**Nekoluver: **You reviewed more than once too! Thanks! And does your school bell really sound like that? They changed ours for some security system thingy. The other option was a car alarm. That would have been funny xD! And I'm currently trying to work with your suggestion on the Ritsu story, thanks!

**Slow Motion Runner: **Yay! Another more-than-one-time reviewer! Thanks! And I can also see Akito pulling Ralph down the street… in fact, when I thought of that idea, I started giggling… and the teacher who had been teaching me at the time turned around and asked whether it was something I wanted to share with the class.

**Moshi13: **Thanks for the nice review! You don't know it, but that really helped me to keep writing n.n

**Kimberly: **I agree. Poor Hatori. I seem to take jokes out Hatori more than most characters oO; Especially in _A Trip to the Book Store._

**Thomas: **o.o; Gee. Thanks. Oh! And I should really call you soon, it's been a while nn;;

**ShuichisLover:** You're one of my more-than-once reviewer too! Yay! Thanks a bunch! And thanks for pressing me onwards. Onwards I go! Brings up word

**Kairivoosh: **Wow! Thanks! I'm glad to see you like my One Shots – I'm a fan of your _1 880I love Sohma's_ fic. They're really funny nn!

**DragonJewel24: **Thanks for your many reviews nn! Also, I love anything with Akito in it too o.o. The male Akito, because he's smexy xDD

**Akitoa.k.a.Kito: **You didn't find the first chapter funny? I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe it's inside humour… anyways, thanks for your review nn! I like Akito with Party Cups too. Maybe if I write to Takaya she'll include it in the manga… or maybe I'd get my head chewed off oO;;

**Crazy Al-Bhed-Girl: **Thanks for your review, and I hope you do read more later nn

**Ariark: **Glad you had a good laugh with _Pregnant Ralph_. And about that story, I don't' know why Hatori threw out the cups… he could have just used them the next Ralph had kids. That thought just suddenly occurred to me oO;

**Light and Death Angel: **I'm glad you think its funny n.n

**CC: **One of my other more-than-one-time reviewers! Thanks! And thanks for your Ritsu idea, I'm sure going to write one on it… when the story line folds into place in my small head. And about reading the manga, I should. Up to Vol 10 has been released here – I'm in Australia – and my friend collects them, so I'll try and snag them off her nn

**Hatsuharuluva181: **Now _that's_ a good idea, but I just might tie it in with my Kmart stories (I'm currently half way through Hatori, Shigure and Ayame's one, any ideas of what Shigure could do in Kmart?), and I'll put some of the characters in the CD section. Thanks for your review!

**Amberblood:** Glad you think so n.n! I seem to be lacking my… funny side, considering they're drowning us in assignments and… stuff. I even failed my English Story Writing assignment. It must be because my teacher has no sense of humour…

**Callindead: **I'm sure you're one of many who have read this. A friend of mine – who reads them at school straight after I write them – erupted with laughter when my Science teacher brought out Plastic Cups for a Science experiment. She even cried; "Ralph!" and scared the heck out of the teacher oO;;

**Ruusei: **What was your account before hand? Oh, and thanks for your review and for the ideas. They were really good xD! If I do another one like that, I'll be sure to include them.

**FallenTruth: **My mind has been twisted since I was dropped on my head as a baby. Nod And I'm glad you like them nn


	17. A Trip to the Bookstore

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

Okay, for all of you guys who skipped the last page... here's the story. But, I should warn you all nn; ... Man, there's a dog whining next door. It sounds sad ;-;

**Warning: This is... etchy. It has... adult themes, (no, not that far), but still, if you're under 13... don't read it.**

**

* * *

**

**A Trip to the Bookstore**

"You are all, to go on a mission." Shigure said, rather dramatically. He held his pencil to his chin, and grinned at the three teenagers presented in front of him.

"A mission, Shigure-san?" Tohru asked, clutching her hands to her chest in excitement, "What kind of mission?"

"A mission that will affect man kind." Shigure answered, equally as dramatic as his first statement. Kyo and Yuki exchanged side glances, glared, and looked back at Shigure, before wondering if looking at each other would have been a better option. So, they looked at Tohru instead.

"So, will you accept this mission?"

There was a chorus of "No" from Yuki and Kyo, but a loud "Yes" from Tohru, who when she actually got the task, she was less eager to actually do it.

"Great!" Shigure said, clapping his hands together, ignoring Yuki and Kyo, who were enveloped in an anime style black rain cloud, "Your mission is to go to the local book store!"

"You call _that_ a mission, you stupid dog?" Kyo shot, glaring daggers into the dogs neck, just waiting for the right moment to rip it out.

"Yeah." Shigure said, looking a bit put out. A bit. Not much. "And your target is: Beach Bitches!"

The trio fell silent. Tohru was looking very distraught, and she turned to Yuki, then Kyo, then to Yuki, discovering that the pair were only inches away from ripping off the dogs head, and eating his body afterwards.

Finally, Kyo managed to say: "What the hell have you been reading…"

Yuki decided to pipe in as well, "You do know that what you want is a… suggestive magazine with naked ladies."

"Sure do!" Shigure said, grinning. "Which is why I – a popular novelest – don't want to be seen buying it. But, you're all eighteen now –" really, Kyo was only eighteen. He'd turned it three days beforehand, and a large sweat drop formed on the back of his head. "– So I figure that you can get it for me."

"W-We'll go, Shigure-san." Tohru said weakly, her whole vision of being a decent teenage girl shattered now that she knew she was going out to but porn. "… We already said we would."

"Great!" Shigure said, "Here's the change, off you go!"

Kyo, Yuki and Tohru ambled out of the house, a grey cloud of regret hanging on their shoulders.

* * *

"When we got the mission," Tohru said, for the first time in the series sounding distraught, "I thought it would be like on _Naruto_ or something…"

Kyo and Yuki sweat dropped. She actually believed that things like Naruto existed? Of course, they weren't thinking about their own curse, but heck… if they existed, anything could.

"At least I'm not the one going to the counter with it." Yuki said finally, looking with an amused look at Kyo, who was faring the worse of the trio.

"SHUT UP, YOU DAMN RAT!" Was all that popped into his head, and Yuki turned away with a look of satisfaction.

Tohru simply watched the two of them. Maybe she could wait outside the shop, or look at a different section. Yeah. That might work.

* * *

The trio paused when they reached the store, before going in. It looked like any other regular book store, selling books from all different countries, and it didn't even suggest that it sold the disgusting stuff that the trio – mainly Kyo – was going in to buy.

Still, the trio walked in slowly, and giving each other much needed support – really it was just Tohru giving them both support, and Yuki was only sticking around because the Prince Yuki Fan Club were all standing around the teen section, reading their own published magazine all about the Prince.

"Well, here we are."

Tohru instinctively covered her eyes, and was then lead around by the arm by Yuki. Both of which, turned a bright shade of pink, and began to look for the title. "Not here… not here..."

"Kyo, I found it." Yuki said, picking it up – not noticing the shrieks of horror that all the fan club girls, who had noticed him, emitted when they watched their Prince pick up… pick up that! The most suggestive magazine in Japan!

* * *

So, leading Tohru, Kyo and Yuki headed towards the counter, all three another shade of red. It was lucky that the line was so long. Finally, the group stood together, hiding the book.

"What are you three doing here?"

The group jumped as high as a sky scraper, leaving holes in the roof (and a very irritated sales clerk) as they did so. Jittery, they turned around. As luck would have it, Hatori had lined up behind them, holding more English Literature.

"H-Hatori-san!" Tohru managed to splutter, noticing that Kyo and Yuki were tongue tied, "We were asked to get this book for Shigure."

"What book?" Hatori asked, amused by Kyo and Yuki's embarrassment.

"This one!" Tohru said, yanking it out of Kyo's hand – both Yuki and Kyo turned blue at the thought of Hatori seeing it – and handed it to Hatori.

"Oh." Hatori said, flicking it over to the back, "This must be the new issue."

_New Issue?_ All three thought in unison, huge sweat drops forming on the back of their head, along with long blue lines, and a large black cloud.

"And let me guess," Hatori said, looking up from the page-one girl, "You three feel tainted buying it? You know, all healthy men read this stuff."

_All healthy men…_ Yuki and Kyo thought in unison, while Tohru was muttering something about "really". _Healthy maybe, if you've been around Shigure and Ayame…_

"That's right." Tohru rambled, coming up with a bazillion excuses.

"I'll buy it for you then. I've been meaning to read it, anyway."

_You've been meaning to read it?_ The sweat drop, blue lines, and cloud re-appeared.

But, the group was still thankful, and they handed the magazine to Hatori, and slipped out of line. They all watched with amazement as Hatori actually _brought_ it with a straight face, and even small talked to the _clerk_ about it. He finally joined them outside, and handed the magazine back to Kyo.

"Remind Shigure to call me after he's finished with it." Hatori said offhandedly, and turned and left, leaving a be-dazzled group of teenagers behind them, who now had a completely new outlook on the Dragon.

* * *

My god that Dog won't shut up... I wonder if it's stuck. Well, I'm going to check, but I'll be back to do the next story and to check reviews!  
Oh, and if you have any story ideas, they're always welcome!  
Okay, signing out!  
Bye! 


	18. The Sohma's Trip to Kmart Part 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

Okay! For all you people who have been waiting for it... HERE IT IS! THE NEXT PART OF K-MART! YAY! This one isn't very long, but I find it funny. There's an inside joke in here, though, so I don't know if you'll get that... but heck! If you've been waiting for it, wait no longer!

**

* * *

**

**The Sohma's Trip To K-Mart – Hatori, Ayame and Shigure's Adventure**

Hatori's Experience

Hatori wasn't the least bit pleased to have been dragged along on the "Sohma's Trip to K-mart", considering he was still trying to paste Ralph (Akito's precious party-cup), together with sticky-tape. Still, he headed absentmindedly towards the kids section.

Hatori's eyes scanned the many rows of fake doctors equipment, and he drew his hands from his pockets, and picked some up.

* * *

Flash Back Time:

"Hatori!"

Hatori turned, his eyes locking on a smaller version of Akito, who was holding up a toy doctors device.

"Lets play!"

"No."

* * *

"Mister! Lets play!"

Hatori turned down to see a little spitting image of Akito, and he flinched. Still, he turned away, and stated: "No."

Then, to the kids Mother, whom he passed, he said : "Your son has a tumour and will die at the age of 36."

His Mother burst into tears, so Hatori handed her a Furby and kept walking.

* * *

Ayame's Experience

"Master Ayame! Master Ayame!"

The press were there in their thousands – Ayame's maid ranges for men were a great hit, and millions of men all around the world were wearing them – under their normal clothes. Ayame laughed, leant back, and watched as the other Sohma's scuttled away as fast as they could – grabbing Yuki's arm just in time.

"You seem to have brought your family, Sohma-sama, who is this spitting image?" One reporter said, holding the microphone up to Ayame. Yuki twitched, and silently swapped his hand with the hand of a fully clothed life sized blow-up dummy (of himself – the Yuki Fan Club had been selling them for the two weeks, and Yuki couldn't help but buy one – just for the record.), and snuck off with Tohru and Kyo. Nobody noticed the change.

"This," Ayame said, jerking the blow-up doll of Yuki upwards, not noticing that he had made it full-on go off the ground. "Is my adorable little bother, Yuki! He personally tries on each of my outfits!"

The press wrote like crazy. They whipped out their note-books, wrote, then deposited them again in about two seconds – Ayame was laughing the entire time.

"Master Ayame, will you talk to us for a bit longer?"

"No." He said, wondering clear off from them and in a different direction. His destination? The woman's changing room.

Ayame easily passed as a girl, so he easily made his way into the change room, and once inside sat happily took women's clothes and forced his own products into their stalls.

* * *

Shigure's Experience

"I wanna go this way, Shigure!" Akito whined, tugging on Shigure's hand. Shigure on the other hand didn't want Akito going to the cups and mugs section, and dragged him off to get more yukatas

Once there, Akito – who had reluctantly come along – tried on several yukata's, all meant for girls. Finally, when he found one with a cup holder he chose that one – much to Shigure's dismay – and brought it.

"SHIGURE!"

Shigure paused, turning around to see Mi-chan, who was looking extremely distraught. "WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR MANUSCRIPTS? AND WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!"

Mi-chan threw a piece of paper at Shigure's head. Shigure didn't know what was on the paper, and he really didn't care, but my god did it had a pointy bit that speared the side of his head.

"OW! Mi-chan, OW!"

"It's your own fault." Mi-chan said simply, both of them ignoring Akito – who ran off back to the cups and mugs section.

"But… I'm bleeding!" Shigure stated, yanking the paper out of the side of the his head, the blood pouring out like a waterfall. "And I feel dizzy."

Mi-chan sighed, grabbed the paper, and stuck it back. "There. It's stopped. Now, come with me."

"Where?" Shigure asked, before contemplating. "My gosh, Mi-chan! I didn't think you went _that way_ or looked at _those kind _of books!"

Mi-chan twitched. "… No. Shigure. We're not looking there."

"Maybe Hatori will want to come too!" Shigure said delightedly, not even concentrating as Mi-chan pulled him past that actual section.

"We're not looking there!" Mi-chan finally screamed, shoving Shigure into his own section. "Look. You're more popular than you think! Doesn't that make you want to _meet_ your deadlines?"

Shigure wasn't listening, he'd picked up a misplaced suggestive magazine. "Mi-chan, you sly dog, you put this in this section just for you, didn't you? You mean hiderer!"

Mi-chan collapsed. "There is… no helping you."

* * *

Well, that is it. Who should I do next? Haru and Momiji? Kisa and Hiro? Who? You're suggestion counts!


	19. Cleaning up the Attic

**Disclaimer: Don't own it.**

Okay. Before I continue, I think I should explain something about two of the main characters that I usually write with. Hatori and Akito.

Let's start off with **Akito: **Unfortunately for Akito, in my stories, not only is he a blumbering idiot, he's also very childish - and he's nothing like the anime or the manga. My friends even told me that I'd reversed his personality and they couldn't tell who he was. If it's the same for you, sorry. I don't plan to change it though, an Akito that devours Party Cups and speaks his mind more freely should have free reign over the world! Mwha-ha-ha-ha.

Now to **Hatori:** I was actually surprised I didn't get bashed by Hatori lovers for the _A Trip to the Bookstore_ chapter, and I mean really surprised. Yes, in my stories, Hatori is a pervert,it might not be noticeable, butit seems to be opening up to Tohru and co. Of course, this adds to my humour.

Also, a word of warning for this chapter. **It's not very funny. **I was going: "Aw crap. Kowasu's supposed to bea comic relief... why the hell did I make it seem like a drama?" while writing it, but Kowasu will become the comic relief in hopefully my next story. Until then, thanks for all your reviews, and please don't kill me for the lack of humour in this chapter.

**

* * *

**

**Cleaning up the Attic**

"Please, you don't have to bother yourself, Kyo." Tohru said, looking at the orange haired teen who had fallen several times from the ladder that lead up to the attic.

Of course, Yuki found this hilarious, and he hadn't let the Cat let it down. Had it been anybody else, Yuki wouldn't have even batted an eyelash.

CRASH!

Kyo had missed the same bit of the ladder four times. It was almost as if it was disappearing from under him, and he swore he'd been pushed. He'd attempted to grab onto the other stair, but that too, appeared to be just out of his grip, and he fell, colliding with the floor, the box of knickknacks he'd been carrying smashed for the seventh time that morning, and Kyo was left with yet another bruise.

"Ignore him, Honda-san. The stupid cat can't even pick up a book without spearing it."

"SHUT UP YOU DAMN RAT!" Kyo spluttered, trying to get up from his perch and into a fighting stance, but slipped on a ping pong ball and fell down again.

* * *

It had taken Kyo over 20 times to actually get up to the attic, and after the 13th time, Yuki and Tohru had stopped caring, and left him to his own demise. But, finally, he found himself securely on the landing. He paused, looking over to try and locate Yuki and Tohru, and surprisingly found them looking very depressed in front of a pile of boxes. 

He set his own box aside, and strolled up to them, instantly falling into a depression with the other pair. Every box had its own label, but they all said the same thing; "Shigure and Hatori's stash. Not to be touched by people with untainted hands."

_Untainted… hands?_ Of course, Yuki and Kyo didn't have to open up the box to know what was inside of it. Unfortunately, Tohru was about as dense as a stick, and she flipped open the lid, and pulled out one of its contents.

"I wonder what it is?"

She was silent for a moment, before she sweat dropped, let out an almighty scream, threw the object, and ran down the stairs and probably to the comfort of her bedroom.

Yuki retrieved the object, and slotted it back with the others. "I'm surprised he has this many." Yuki said, resisting an urge to go through one of them. The magazines were just _so damn tempting_, and Hatori had said that healthy men read this kind of stuff, didn't he?

"It couldn't hurt, could it?" Kyo asked, noticing that Yuki was trying to fight the force as much as he was.

Yuki pondered for a moment. "I guess it wouldn't hurt, just so long as Honda-san doesn't see us."

"We burn them afterwards." Kyo muttered.

"Agreed." Yuki said, and slowly, both hands reached in unison for one of the magazines, which they picked randomly. They were all the same after all. So, settling themselves down, they began to flick through the magazine.

* * *

Two hours later, Tohru had finally decided to show herself, and Yuki and Kyo had been so disgusted with the contents of the magazines – or so they said – that they'd shoved them back in the box roughly. However, both knew that when nobody was around, they'd be back for more. 

Tohru, however, was completely oblivious to their little secret.

"So, Shigure said we were to clean out the attic, right?" Tohru asked, side glancing towards the boxes that she'd decided were out to get her.

Kyo and Yuki sighed. "Yeah, but I don't see why that damn dog can't do it himself."

"So, uh, I'll do this side, and you guys do that side, okay?" Tohru said, indicating with her finger which side she wanted, and that was the one away from the boxes.

Yuki pondered. "You know, Honda-san, those boxes aren't out to get you."

"No, but I am."

"Oh are you really?" Yuki stated, turning around swiftly, expecting to see Kyo or Shigure playing a trick, but the hazy image he was confronted with made his hair stand on end. They both went pale.

It was a human figure, that was for sure. He was dressed in traditional Samurai clothes, but had a katana lodged through one side of him to the other. Also, his eyes were covered with a bandage, but his hair was orange and messed up.

"…"

"I assume you're all wondering who I am." The figure said crossing his arms over his chest. He hadn't even noticed that Yuki and Tohru had passed out. However, Kyo had noticed him, and took a firm handle on the broom. So _this_ is what had been making perverted noises in the attic for the last three months.

"I am Sohma Kowasu."

A Sohma? If Yuki and Tohru were awake to hear this, they would have probably died of shock. Luckily they weren't, because their drained faces showed that their fright had nearly killed them.

"… Wow. You didn't faint. And I hear you call for your Mummy all the time. Okay, so it's all in your dreams but…" Kowasu started, looking Kyo up and down. Kyo, on the other hand, was fuming. "it was very brave of you to read Shigu- Hey!"

Kyo's arm had penetrated Kowasu's stomach.

"Well you're a nice person." Kowasu said sarcastically, attempting to pull the Katana out of his stomach, "Damn thing. Won't budge. It never comes out when I need it too! … I must have slept on it wrong."

He paused again, noticing the look on Kyo's face.

"Hey, I know, kid, let's draw on their faces and make them French!"

* * *

Until next time, signing out. 


	20. My Peanut

**Disclaimer: Don't own Fruits Basket.**

Wah! I'm sorry! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry I didn't update sooner! Avoids arrows  
Anyway, I whipped - I mean whipped - this abnormally short story up just to show you that I hadn't forgotten about all my fantastic readers nn; Yes, I am still working on them, and I have a chapter all ready to go for Halloween.

**

* * *

**

**My Peanut**

Kyo yawned. Getting up from bed and walking downstairs was always such a chore on a Sunday morning. Of course, when he reached the kitchen, the first thing he did was attempt to grab his milk – which due to lack of sleep missed three times – and drank over half of it.

"Kyo… you shouldn't drink out of the milk carton." Yuki said. He'd just woken up too. And he'd followed Kyo to the fridge, getting out some cheese, and broke a bit off, nibbling at it.

"Damn rat…"

* * *

"Oh." Yuki said, discovering a small peanut like blemish on the table. Yes, it was a peanut, one left over from Shigure's snack at 2 am in the morning. Blinking, Kyo followed Yuki in with his cereal. "I'll just pick it up and put it in the bin…"

"Papa."

Kyo blinked. Had the Peanut just… _spoken to him_! It certainly wasn't moving, but then again… "Papa"

Yuki's hand went in for the kill… and Kyo lopped it off with a kitchen knife. Screaming in pain, Yuki looked at Kyo, who was now cradling the peanut and telling it; "It's okay… it's okay…"

Yuki groaned, winced, and went off to dib-a-dob to Shigure.

* * *

"What in the hell are you doing, Kyo?" Yuki asked, his hand re-attached thanks to Hatori's stitches. (After singing the dib-a-dobbers wear nappies song four time, Shigure had decided to actually call the dragon. By then of course, Yuki was out cold.)

"I'm making a bed for Snookums."

"Snoo…kums?" Yuki asked, bewildered, watching Kyo build a small tissued bed in a match box for the rotten Peanut. If Yuki hadn't been so freaked out by Kyo's sudden behaviour – okay. So it'd been going on for a while, ever since Kowasu had been discovered… but hey. – he would have thought it was cute.

"Yuki-san, what is Kyo-kun doing?" Tohru asked, "I meant to throw out that peanut. Here Kyo, let me throw it in the bin."

Kyo hissed, glaring at Tohru, who fell into a fit of depression and went to get some knives out of the draw. Yuki sighed. It was time to bring out Hatori.

* * *

"Kyo. Give me the peanut." Hatori felt rather like he was talking to Akito. Kyo was still hissing at everybody. So much had happened today. He'd stitched Yuki's arms back on, persuaded Tohru not to kill herself, and now he was trying to get a peanut off of Kyo in a party cup like fashion. Unfortunately, Kyo was now ignoring him, and singing the Peanut – that was covered in ants – to sleep.

"Kyo, give me the peanut."

Hatori moved his hand toward the peanut and…

"NO! DON'T TAKE AWAY MY BABY! DON'T TAKE HIM AWAY!" Kyo screamed, clinging to Snookums.

Hatori paused. This was… just like…

"Kyo, where were you yesterday?"

"I was summoned to Akito, why?" Kyo asked suspiciously, glaring at Hatori's hand.

"How many party cups did you eat?"

"… Three."

* * *

I told you the story was abnormally short. And please, don't kill me, I still have no idea what to do for Ritsu... I'm still thinking! My mind is blank. BLANK I TELL YOU! Oh yeah, if you want to suggest any storylines for me, please don't hesitate. I _need_ them oO; 


	21. Halloween at the Sohmas

**Disclaimer: ... Is that Takaya-sensei with a... sledge hammer? CRAP! Hides**

**Me:** It's the halloween special that I promised! Okay, so it's not very good...

**Kyo:** Damn straight! How _dare_ you show them what happens to me every halloween!

**Yuki:** For once I agree with Kyo. You were sworn to secrecy on that incident.

**Tohru:** ... Weenies?

**Me:** Oooookay. Right. Yep. Hides

**

* * *

**

**Halloween at the Sohma's**

"It's halloooooooooooweeeeeeeeeeeen!" Shigure sang, bouncing into the room, swinging from around the door into the kitchen.

"WEENIES!" Tohru erupted, bouncing up and down in excitement from the supposed mention of her favourite finger snack. Shigure pouted in response.

"Nuuu, Halloween."

"That's not until next week, you stupid dog." Kyo shot. He'd just been woken up by Shigure's and – and what was rarer – Tohru's stupid screams. He proceeded over to the fridge, opened it, and grabbed his milk. Putting it to his mouth, he drank deeply, before looking at it quizzically. "Why… on earth does it taste like juice?"

Tohru, who had spent hours studying off foods at school so that she could skip computer classes, turned pale, and swiped the milk carton from Kyo's hand. Kyo looked quizzically at her, and was about to quiz her on her actions, but Tohru started some chant to "free the milk from Satan", then pronounced the milk alright to drink. Consequently, for Kyo, the milk didn't taste any different.

* * *

"Sooo, I was thinking that we could do something for Halloween." Shigure said, prodding Kyo, who was wrenching with stomach pains, in the back of the head. 

"Really, Shigure, don't you think we're all too old to be celebrating Halloween?" Yuki asked, propping his chin on his hand in thought.

Shigure glared. "You're just upset because of what happened the last and /only/ time Akito let you celebrate Halloween."

--- FLASHBACK ---

"Yuki, you can go trick or treating this year." Akito said, glaring at the rat with a mysterious look in his eye.

Yuki grinned, looking hopefully at Akito. "REALLY? Akito-sama! I can?"

"You can." Akito said, taking out his ear plugs from Yuki's response. "I have a costume ready for you."

"Wow! Thanks Akito!"

Yuki shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. He should have known better than to trust Akito with his costume. Poor Yuki had gone trick or treating dressed up as a giant, fluro pink flower with cat ears, and fangs. It was one of the most humiliating day of his life when one of the older Sohma's died from a heart attack, showering him and the zodiac group with fallen candy. Her husband had slapped Yuki around the mouth, and of course Akito had videotaped the entire incident, and intended to play it at Yuki's 21st.

--- END FLASHBACK ---

"We don't talk about that." Yuki stated harshly, glaring at Shigure. Both Kyo – who hadn't been allowed to go trick or treating that year – and Tohru were confused, but put it behind them.

"I remember you used to go trick or treating, Kyo!" Shigure said, tilting his head. "Don't you remember?"

Kyo glared in response. As he did remember. So clearly.

--- ANOTHER FLASH BACK ---

"It's Halloween again, Kyo-kun!" Akito said, looking at the cats bracelet with amusement. "And I have your costume all ready."

Kyo, who was old enough to know what his costume was – it never changed – grabbed his bracelet wrist defiantly. Akito grinned. This just made the whole thing far more fun.

He walked forward. Grabbed the base of Kyo's hand, under where his other hand had clamped over the bracelet. He used his free hand to forcefully remove Kyo's hand from the bracelet as well as taking the black and white beads in the same movement.

Kyo, over taken with pain, hardly heard the head say: "Halloween is for Monsters. This is /your/ holiday, Kyo. Enjoy it."

He wasn't even concentrating when Akito walked out of the room and left him there. Kyo didn't leave the room for the entire night.

--- END FLASH BACK ---

"Did you have fun trick-or-treating, Tohru?" Kyo asked, hoping to get the subject off of him. "You know, when you were little?"

"I didn't trick or treat!" Tohru screamed, "That's for Satanists!"

Shigure, Yuki and Kyo sweat dropped, watching as Tohru sang out another chant to free them from 'their Satan'.

* * *

In the end, Shigure had planned a party, to which all the zodiac members showed up in costumes that represented their year – except for Hatori, who refused to dress up because he was "too old for fun". The group watched scary movies, that made Haru and Hatori's eyes roll, while Hiro predicted what was going to happen next and got it right. He was later thrown from the room, and Kisa followed promptly, trying to calm the quietly steaming ram down. Tohru, Momiji and Ritsu were petrified. Ritsu managed to apologise every time the serial killer killed its target. Yuki and Kyo argued over who would be the murderer out of the two of them. Ayame and Shigure disappeared into the rooms upstairs, and the occasional thump could be heard. Luckily the group was too used to that to worry. And lastly, Kagura, who wasn't the least bit scared, pretended to be and clung to Kyo whenever a scary bit, or a love scene happened.

* * *

**Me:** I'm not sure when I'll type up the next one. I have it on paper, yup yup! 

**Hatori:** ... You'd better not upload that.

**Momiji:** Hatori, will you explain to me the workings of a womans body?

**Hatori/Me:** -Sweat drop-

**Me:** Well, that's it until next time!

(Yes, I tried a different style of introduction/conclusion. Change is good.)


	22. Yuki's Identity Crisis: Part One

**Disclaimer: ... Dies Takaya-sensei almost killed me with the Chainsaw that Kyo used in_The Sohma'sTrip to Kmart_. No, I don't own it, if I even tried to say I did, I'm sure Takaya-sensei would resort using the kitchen knife that Kyo used in _My Peanut_. Shudders Don't want that.**

Me: HELLOOOOOOOOO PEOPLE! Sorry for the low quality of the Halloween Story, I was in a dark mood. Yes... a dark mood... but I wish I could draw Yuki in the costume... giggle Anywho, this isn't the pickle story. Yes, I lied last time, but I've been too lazy to type it up.

Kyo: ... What in the hell are you talking about? Your typing speed is 74 words per minute with 98 accuracy, you'd have it done in about five minutes.

Me: Sweat Drop ... Well... uh... yeah... but... OKAY! OKAY! So I'm embarressed about the shortness >>; Things look a lot larger on paper than they do on computers, okay? Besides, it's a struggle to read my handwriting. Oh! Oh! Also, I'm going to be really bold and say, that if anybody _really_ wants too (I don't see why you would), please don't hesitate to draw scenes from the story nn

Kyo: ... Now you sound stuck up. Hey... is that Yuki with a hammer?

Me: ... Crap. Yuki's found this story. Gotta run! Enjoy "Yuki's Identity Crisis: Part One".

**

* * *

**

**Yuki's Identity Crisis: Part One**

Yuki yawned. His eyes slowly opened, staring up at the ceiling of a room that he knew so well. _Too_ well. Yuki had been struck with an unknown illness for three weeks now, and he'd been ordered by Hatori to: "Stay in bed or face my wrath". Naturally, Yuki didn't want to see Hatori's wrath, and so he'd decided to stay in bed. Unfortunately, all his belongings had been sent for labs for testing too, so his bed was a futon in an empty space, with evident outlines of furniture. Oh, it was good to be Yuki.

Sighing, he picked up his book, surprisingly a manga that Kyo – who had been convinced too – leant him. Kyo had the entire series (about 50+ volumes), so Yuki knew he'd never run out of reading material, and it was actually pretty good. Although Yuki wouldn't admit it in public. After all, he was only reading this as a last resort. (Other than Kyo, it was only Shigure and Hatori who read, and both offered him pornography.)

There was a knock at his door, and Yuki quickly snapped the manga shut, shoving it under his quilt, before saying; "Yes?"

The door opened, revealing a giggling Shigure, a vaguely amused Hatori, and a confused Kyo and Tohru. Yuki sat up. "What is it?"

"The results came back."

Fits of silent laughter came from Shigure. The group decided to ignore him.

"And the results?" Yuki asked, absentmindedly patting the book beside him, checking that the vile thing wasn't visible. Shigure, on the other hand, looked up at Yuki, and collapsed with silent laughter, literally rolling to following everybody into the room.

"Well, you see," Hatori said, taking a seat beside the purple haired teen, and absentmindedly feeling his forehead for a temperature, "The test results showed something."

"Showed what?"

"Yuki, this is going to seem… well, lets just say that you're going to find it hard to believe. It seems that when you were born, the doctor had a gender mix up."

"A gender mix up?" Yuki, Kyo and Tohru said in unison. All three were equally confused.

"Yuki, you're actually a girl."

This set Shigure and Kyo off. Well, not really Shigure, he just actually made his laughter audible, but Kyo was going pale from not being able to breathe. Finally, he said; "It all makes sense, rat boy! Why your face is so pretty like, and why you like girly things like gardening!"

"Um… Hatori-san… you're kidding right? How can Yuki-san be a girl?"

"It's quite simple." Hatori said, now ignoring the now transformed rat in front of him, "There are people born in this world that look one specific gender, but because of a chromosome change (or something like that) they're actually the opposite gender. _Therefore_, they tend to act their 'real' gender (in some cases, anyway), and so yes, Yuki is a girl."

Yuki – now a small rat – glared up at Hatori. "But I have all the male-" He stopped, looking at Tohru, who had gone red at thinking about what Yuki was about to say. "- Things. All the male things, Hatori! I can't possibly be a girl!"

"You are."

"Argh! Why'd you test for that anyway!"

Hatori shrugged. "I was bored."

Yuki and Tohru sweat dropped. Kyo and Shigure on the other hand were too busy laughing to notice.

* * *

"So… you mean…" Yuki said, now transformed back, and scratching the back of his head, "That I have to act like a girl?" 

"Yes. Now that we've discovered your true gender."

"You're right." Kazuma said. Kazuma had been called over urgently to help bring Kyo out of a laughing fit. In the end, though, Kyo had fainted from lack of oxygen and all was good. (Of course, Shigure fainted too.) "Now that I think about it, my Father was always telling me how Grandfather had always found the rat attractive?"

"He was _gay_?" Yuki spluttered, getting up very randomly. He suddenly blushed at his random outburst and sat back down. Kazuma and Hatori sweat dropped.

"No, all the rats in the Sohma's – up until you, or well, until two hours ago – have been female. That's why we were all so surprised when you were born male. I'm surprised nobody tested for it before."

Yuki could have died. He could imagine Akito cacking himself stupid in his humble abode, eagerly sending for Shigure to bring the 'new' Yuki in to see him.

"So… I was called Yuki because it's a girl and boys name?"

"CORRECT!"

"Hello Ayame."

Yes, Aya, who had been instructed by Hatori to stay in the car, and who had almost died of heatstroke because he was too stupid to wined the window down, had decided that enough was enough. And, of course, he'd barged in to congratulate his younger brother on his achievement. (Okay, so in Aya's mind it was an achievement. After all, he'd always wanted a little sister to play dress up with. Now he had one. Yay!)

"Oh… shit." Yuki's cursing hadn't been heard, because Aya had chosen that time to squeal with happiness and attach himself to Yuki.

"MY BROTHER! YOU AND I, ME AND YOU, SHALL MAKE OUR BOND EVEN STRONGER!"

"I brought Ayame along to get your measurements." Hatori explained, before throwing a small bottle at Yuki, who caught it out of reflex.

"What's this?"

"Hormone pills. Take one once a day."

Yuki sweat-dropped. What a day. What a life. Why him? WHY HIM?

* * *

There. That's part one done. Hopefully, this will be a three part series (heck... I really should get around to writing more Kmart... but hey... and the pickle... Oh well. I'm sure that we all like the thought of Yuki being a girl.) so look forward to it! 


	23. Yuki's Identity Crisis: Part Two

**Disclaimer: ... I seem to be avoiding all deathtraps. No, I don't own it.**

Me: Yay! Back with part two! Praise me people!

Yuki: You expect _me _to praise you? After what you did to me?

Me: ... Okay, people other than Yuki, praise me!

Kyo: I will! Rat-boy, you've got it hard now!

Yuki: ...

Me: Anywho, enjoy part two! PART TWO RAWKS!

Yuki: No, no it doesn't. Please skip this chapter, as it is highly embarressing to me.**

* * *

**

Yuki's Identity Crisis: Part Two

Recap on part one:

Yuki's been sick for a while now, and Hatori has had to test him (and his furniture) for all different kind of illnesses, and something unexpected comes back. It turns out, that biologically, Yuki is actually… a girl? How is Yuki going to take girls clothes? Does Kyo have something up his sleeve?

* * *

"Why… are we here?" Yuki asked, sweat dropping as he looked around. "Brother, these are all your brands?" 

"CORRECT!" Ayame squealed, hugging his brother. "They're my girls line of clothing! And you're going to be wearing them from now on!"

Yuki twitched. He already had three of Tohru's uniforms to wear to school, and Tohru had even been persuaded out of some of her underwear. Now all that was left was ordinary clothes, but Aya's were a little extreme.

Still, all the girls in the shop seemed to like them. There were millions of them – at least, according to Yuki.

"Now that I think about it, little brother," Aya said, looking down at Yuki's chest, "You don't seem to have a bust yet… have you been taking your pills?"

Yuki twitched. He wanted to hit Ayame. He _really_ wanted to hit Ayame, but that would attract attention.

"Y-Yes, I guess they must be slow working." Yuki lied slowly. He hadn't even touched the pills. They'd been thrust under his futon until he got his things back, and then they were going down into the depths of his cupboard. Along with his clothes. He was going to _try out_ being a girl, but that didn't mean he was _going_ to be a girl.

Aya grinned. "Yes. I think a Yuki with boobs would look pretty. Okay, now then, lets pick you out some clothes!"

Yuki twitched. Twitched again. Then twitched some more. Did Aya just say that he'd look good with boobs? Oh… when they got back to Shigure's, Aya was so going to die. A slow and painful death.

"I like this, this, this, oooo this, this, this, this, and finally, this!" Aya said, collecting all his favourite – and surprisingly normal – designs. Most of them were sets of shirts with small floral patterns and knee long skirts (matching the patterns, of course). Of course, Ayame was ecstatic when the shop clerk gave them to Aya for free, considering he was the designer.

"Let's try them on here, okay?" Aya said, grinning, ushering Yuki into the girls change room. Ayame, of course, waited outside.

* * *

Yuki, with his arm full of clothes, looked blankly at a half dressed bunch of girls – that thankfully weren't from his school or fan club – who had previously been the only people in there. He felt a blush rise to his cheeks, and entered the nearest cubicle, ripping the fabric curtain door shut behind him. 

_Yuki! Snap out of it! What the hell are you doing? You shouldn't act so surprised! They'll get suspicious!_ Yuki groaned, sitting on the stool that the cubicle provided. _You're a girl… for the moment anyway. You'll just have to get used to it. That's right. Get used to it. And, girls getting changed in the same place is part of life… yeah, that's right, and I'm not like Hatori, so stop those thoughts brain!_

Yuki tried on one after the other, and finally exited in one of the outfits (that Aya had already 'paid' for.) He sighed with relief when none of the girls payed attention to him.

And then, it occurred to him. He was in _drag_. The shame was almost enough to make him strip right then and there… until he noticed Aya beaming at him. "You look great! Next stop, the hair dressers!"

Yuki groaned. Luckily, they were only going for a trim. Meanwhile, back at Sohma house…

* * *

"So… what you're saying is… Yuki's a girl?" Akito, Ritsu, Haru, Momiji, Kisa and Hiro said in unison, hardly believing their ears. 

"Correct." Hatori stated, ignoring a laughing Shigure.

"So, Ritsu, if you wouldn't mind helping Yuki out with the clothes issue?"

"Me?" Ritsu asked, pointing at himself just to make sure, then went pale with Hatori nodded. "But… if I stuff it up… I'M SORRY WORLD! I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO!"

"Yeah… uh… right. Anyway, just help him with his hair and things like that."

"Uh… okay."

Meanwhile, Haru was in a state of disbelief. Yuki was… a girl? Biologically a girl? That meant… that all the bizarre feelings that he had for Yuki over the past years weren't strange? Did that mean… that… Haru was straight? Yes, the confusion got to him, and he ended up transforming and fainting from the stress.

* * *

"Please… don't make me…" Yuki said, looking down at himself then at the door. "I don't want to go to school dressed like this!" 

"Oh, grow up." Kyo stated, glaring at the rat. "They're all going to find out someday."

"Yes," Tohru agreed, "and after Ritsu-san came over so early to help you with your hair?"

At hearing his name, Ritsu looked into the room, and at seeing a resilient Yuki, Ritsu screamed; "I'M SORRY, YUKI! IT'S ALL MY FAULT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL BECAUSE I DID YOUR HAIR WRONG! FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME FOR MY FAILURE, I THOUGHT I COULD DO A GOOD JOB! I'M SORRY WORLD!"

Kyo and Tohru looked in Yuki's direction. (Yuki was looking down at a grovelling Ritsu.)

"Come on, rat boy," Kyo said finally, "You have to go after that."

* * *

"Step right up! Step right up! See the one and only Prince Yuki – now Princess Yuki – the one and only! Come and see his transformation! That's right, folks, Yuki Sohma is a girl! A girl!"

Kyo was using Yuki like a side-show attraction. He had him standing on the teachers desk, and girl after girl after girl were coming to see their beloved prince in the _girl_ school uniform. At first, the fan club girls hadn't believed it, but thankfully, afterwards, they'd gotten used to it. So used to it that they invited Yuki to join their fan club. Yuki of which, had politely refused, and had been branded; "A threat to their beloved Prince."

Still, even teachers were coming to see him, and he was now "Yuki-chan". Of course, then the boys started hitting on him, each time getting rejected, although Yuki found that it was very tempting to accept to a few. After all, he wouldn't transform when hugging them… wait… if he didn't transform when hugging guys then…

* * *

"HATORI!" Yuki screamed, slamming open the door to Hatori's office. Yuki, still in girls clothing, glared at the doctor, storming forwards and grabbing him by the collar. Yes, folks, this is one of the rare moment that Yuki's lost it.

"YOU STUPID FILTHY DRAGON! YOU'RE PUTTING ME THROUGH ALL THIS CRAP, AND YOU DIDN'T CONSIDER ONE THING!"

"What is this _thing_?" Hatori asked, trying to regain control of his clothing by attempting to wedge Yuki's hand out of his grip.

"That… if I was really a girl… I wouldn't transform when hugging girls!"

"Ah." Hatori said. It suddenly occurred to him _why_ they hadn't ever tested Yuki for gender issues – he'd transformed in his Mother's age, that must have been proof enough.

"So, therefore, you put me through all this stuff for no reason, you stupid fat Dragon! GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS!" Yuki shouted, punching Hatori in the right lower jaw.

"Hey," Hatori mumbled, rubbing his bruise, "I'm not fat."

* * *

Yuki got the results, and it seemed that Hatori had missed the word "male" that was written on it over 50 times. What he _had _seen was the word female, written in the sentence; "Yuki Sohma is not female", and just assumed. Of course, after that, Yuki had reverted back to being a boy, (thankfully, because Haru slowly began to regain the sane fact that he was bisexual again), Kyo lost all money opportunities, Hatori got a broken jaw, and the Prince Yuki Fan Club had their prince back.

* * *

Me: Wah! I'm sorry guys, I said three part series, but it only reached two parts! Forgive me! PLEASE!

Yuki: I, for one, am not sorry.

Me: Cries Why not? Didn't you like your experience?

Yuki: _No._

Me: Ah...

Kyo: -Holds up 'Hi Mum' sign-


	24. Tohru's Monthly Visitor

**Disclaimer: Don't own it. Please don't kill me.**

I failed at writing again! Yay! This chapter is very OOC like, I think, but I like it. Yes. I do. This was written for all us girls that have to go through the monthly trial of pain... of pain!

**Warning:** Kind of disgusting oO;

**

* * *

**

**Tohru's Monthly Visitor.**

Now, we all know that our beloved Tohru is a late bloomer, for well, just about everything. In fact, many people don't know that she was a midget until she had a very sudden growth spurt (of course, Yuki's fertiliser helped with that.) But, in any case, she's a very late bloomer with puberty as well. So, when she woke up on the fateful morning of August the 11th, walked half asleep into the bathroom, did her business, saw the red liquid and screamed, well, nothing was the same again.

"TOHRU!"

"HONDA-SAN!" Yuki and Kyo screamed, running up the stairs, both colliding with the door in a most inelegant manner. Luckily, Tohru had locked the door, so both were leaning against the door fumbling with the handle that wouldn't turn. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes, yes." Tohru replied weakly, staring into the toilet bowl. "I-I'm okay."

Now, Tohru was a late bloomer, but she wasn't an idiot. She'd attended sex ed classes with everybody, and she knew exactly what this was… the dreaded monthly visitor. She also knew that Uo and Hana would throw a fit of excitement when she told them the news.

"Are you sure, Honda-san?" Yuki asked through the door, pressing his head up against it. "You sure you haven't fallen or anything? You're sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, you sure you ain't fallen into the toilet and can't get out?" Kyo asked, earning a glare from Yuki. Both, unfortunately, nearly lapsed into silent giggle fits, and realised that Tohru wasn't above doing that.

"N-No, uh, I'll down to make breakfast in a second, okay?"

"Well… if you're sure."

Yuki and Kyo left.

Tohru sighed with relief, looking around her private bathroom for a moment… before beginning to panic. She didn't have any equipment to deal with this! She, was, of course living with three men… and men didn't have the monthly visitor. Yes, this was the women's punishment for "Giving Adam the Apple".

However, it could never hurt to actually look for some pads. So, she began her mad search, of course finding none. Toilet Paper would have to do for the while, until she could get out and go shopping.

* * *

"Honda-san, are you okay?" Yuki asked, looking bizarrely at Tohru who was haunched over, trying to clutch her stomach. Yes, all girls have felt them – the dreaded cramps.

"Y-Ye-OW! Ow, man, it hurts!"

"Do you have a stomach ache?" Yuki continued, hurriedly. "Did you eat something bad? Did that stupid-cat hit you?"

Shigure, who was at the other side of the table raised his eyebrow, blinked, looked at Tohru, and grinned slightly. In all his years of life (yes, the entire 27 of them), he had been educated in the working of the woman body. The teenagers, however, didn't seem to be as educated in it. … It wasn't his fault that he found his magazines interesting.

"Hey, Yuki, you know that warm thingy?"

"You mean the heat bag?"

"Yeah. Go heat it up for two minutes and then give it to Tohru. Meanwhile, Kyo," he looked towards Kyo, who had his milk carton in his hands. "Go call Hatori. All you need to say is that Tohru's growing up."

"Eh?"

"Just go do it."

"WHY IN THE HELL SHOULD I?"

* * *

In the end, Kyo had called Hatori, and Tohru had been given the Warm Thingy. Hatori had come over quick as anything, bringing his bag and some 'supplies' with him, and not surprisingly, he forced everybody out of the room while in there with Tohru.

"Hatori-san, this really isn't necessary." Tohru mumbled, making sure that the heat pack was as firmly pressed against her painful stomach as it could be.

"Don't be silly." Hatori replied, absentmindedly checking up on her while she was around. "The first time is always the hardest."

"How would you know?"

"I've been told. I am a doctor after all."

"Oh."

"I brought you some strong pain killers." He said, placing the packaged drugs in her hand, "make sure you only take them _after_ you've eaten. And, I think you'll be needing some of these."

Hatori held up an unopened packet of pads, putting them in Tohru's other hand. Tohru, of course, was blushing the entire time. "But, for now, I think that heat pack should be enough to keep the pain down. It'd be better if you didn't move for a little while, and it should be all over in a week."

"O-Okay."

After that, Hatori wasted no time. He got the latest volume of magazine back off Shigure and left.

* * *

School the next day was horrible. Tohru hadn't realised exactly _how painful_ it could be having 'the curse'. In fact, when she'd referred to it as that to Yuki and Kyo, they'd gone spastic and said something like; "No way, don't tell me you contracted our curse! I didn't know it was contagious!" So, she'd given up on talking to them about it all together. Uo and Hana on the other hand…

"What did you say?"

"I believe she said; 'Yesterday I woke up and I noticed that I got my monthly visitor', Arisa."

"God, you don't have to point out the obvious, Hana. Oh, Tohruuuuu, I'm so proud of you!" Uo firmly attached herself to Tohru in a friendly hug, while Hana just watched, beaming with pride in her own twisted way.

"We have to do something to celebrate this, Tohru."

"We do?" Tohru asked, tilting her head.

"We do." Arisa agreed. "Hrm… I know. I'll bring you a cake tomorrow, and we can all share it?"

"Who do you mean we?" Hana asked in a monotone, looking at Arisa, who sighed.

"I mean Tohru, all the Sohma boys, you and me."

"I see."

"Ooooow, my stomach!" Tohru said suddenly, arousing more interest from the boys around her than anything else. Well, you know, boys are only human.

* * *

So, the next day, Yuki, Kyo, Tohru, Hana, Uo, Haru and Momiji all sat around in a circle around a cake that said; 'CONGRATULATIONS TOHRU'. Of course, all four boys were more than confused as to what they were celebrating, but there was cake, so they didn't complain. No, everybody loves cake.

As for Tohru's Monthly Visitor, Kyo actually had enough sense to put away his shame and get out a puberty book from the school library and read through it, and learnt all about it, while Yuki remained blissfully unaware. Shigure, on the other hand, had surprisingly been very helpful through all of Tohru's ordeal. He'd actually given her useful hints. Like holding your breath makes it stop hurting. Unfortunately, he hadn't intended for Tohru to hold her breath until she passed out on the couch. No, he didn't plan to do that again.

* * *

Yuki: That's great. That's really great. Putting Honda-san through that. Now, will you get on to the pickles now?

Me: -Sweat drop- E-Eventually Yuki. Eventually. Hey, hey, did you know, that my Dad says that saying? You know, the "The curse is punishment for when Eve gave Adam the apple"? It's a good saying, but you know, it's not true.

Yuki: ... Why does anybody care?

Me: ... Good point.


	25. Shopping for Pickles

**Disclaimer: For the last time, I don't own it.**

Finally, for all of you people who got excited about it, here is my pathetic excuse forthe Pickle Story. You know, it really did look longer on the paper. Maybe that's why I don't normally write in notepads...

**

* * *

**

**Shopping for Pickles**

"Oooo… lets get pickles!" Shigure screamed, lunging at the collection of jarred vegetables on the shopping centre shelf. He was no stopped. Kowasu, on the other hand, who had tagged along for no specific reason, rubbed his chin in thought while regarding the pickles with some interest.

"Ew, the use by date says it's off."

Shigure growled, clutching the pickles to his chest.

Kowasu sighed, absentmindedly adjusting his sword – both the one through his gut and the one in its sheath.

Kowasu had not gone unnoticed by the general public, and he had scared countless Kindergarten Children and Grandmas.

"Shigure… the pickles are off. By two weeks." Kowasu made another grab for the pickles, but was batted at by the novelist, who at that moment, had an uncontrollable case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder… over pickles of all things. All of Kowasu's highly evolved training told him to back down. Luckily at that moment…

* * *

"Ha'ri! Let me see!"

A persistent teenager and guardian had just turned the corner into the pickle isle. Momiji and Hatori had come to the shop for Hatori's essentials, of course, that was porn and a packet of gum. Unfortunately, Momiji had decided that he, too, had decided to tag along.

"Not until you're 18."

Momiji pouted. He was far to innocent to realise what was inside the magazine, although Haru had tried time and time again to explain the workings of the female body. By the time he had resigned himself to defeat, he noticed Shigure and Kowasu.

"Shigure, give me the pickles." Hatori said, after he'd heard the situation. Shigure growled and batted at Hatori. Hatori tried several other things, like tempting Shigure with a large raw bone, offering him Ice-cream, he even tried offering him plastic cups, before the entire group admitted complete and utter defeat.

So, they'd brought the poisonous pickles that gave Shigure the runs, and after three months, Shigure was released from Hospital.

* * *

Forgive the shortness... puh-lease!


	26. Neutering the Cat

**Disclaimer: oO; If Takaya-sensei knew I was writing this, she'd kick my ass for sure. So, obviously, I don't own it.**

A double whammy! Whooo! Well, okay, I posted to soon to get you all over the shortness of the last story. Also, I don't know if the info in this story is true or not (I don't know much about the growing workings of cats), so excuse anything that might be wrong. I just wrote it to be funny. Oh, and thanks to Anna-buddy for the inspiration in the car ride home!

**

* * *

**

**Neutering the Cat**

Hatori sighed, his eyes skimming over the information that he'd gathered over the last three weeks. Some of the hardest weeks of his life. Groaning, he turned back to the information he'd gathered in the month about one particular cat. In a month, Kyo had been on all "all mighty" street. He'd began pissing erratically, and although the house (and Kyo) had gotten used to it, poor Tohru didn't like living in a house where the smell of urine was everywhere. Even less inviting was Kyo's room, in where he peed his bed at least once a week. It wasn't only erratic peeing though, he seemed to be taken into random gusts of hypnotism, that Hatori could only guess was being caused by the cat demon, in which he'd "mark his territory". He'd also proclaimed Tohru as "his feline", and kicked the shit out of Shigure for attempting to say otherwise. That wasn't the only problem. Kyo was becoming more and more disagreeable, it was almost as if (besides Tohru) he just wanted to be left alone. He'd also started trying to pick out Shigure's study resident Gold Fish from their bowl, and so Shigure's study had been bolted shut with voice registry that only Shigure could open. Kyo had also started to meowing in front of Tohru's door at 5 o'clock in the morning, demanding to be fed (milk and sardines.) Tohru had eventually gotten used to the routine, but Yuki didn't appreciate Kyo's meowing sounds that early in the morning. It didn't help his annoyance when he heard the sound of Kyo fighting it out with neighbourhood cats, and Yuki assumed that the sound could be heard for miles. Kyo had also taken to sleeping _on top _of the Kotsu instead of below it. He'd curl himself up in a ball, and just doze off, even when the group were in the middle of dinner, and when Shigure tried to poke him off, Kyo would turn around and punch the novelist square between the eyes. When even Yuki failed to put Kyo in his place, Hatori was brought in.

Hatori sighed, looking through the pictures that Shigure had taken. The first was of Kyo with his hand ready and waiting to be dunked into the fish bowl at the unsuspecting goldfish, the second was of Kyo with the fishes tail hanging out of his mouth, and the third was him obviously swallowing it. Shigure had also taken pictures of Kyo at 5 o'clock in the morning, Kyo sitting in his own pee looking disgruntled, and Kyo curled up on the Kotsu sleeping happily.

_There has to be some way to stop this._ Hatori thought angrily, looking through the other set of pictures that Yuki had taken of Kyo at school. It seemed that the cat had been courting random girls at school, and (Hatori had put his head in his hand with embarrassment), Yuki had even taken a picture of Kyo attempting to court a random stray. That was when he'd delved into the family records of previous cats, as well as got the Sohma Vet to have a look at the evidence.

"… There's not much in here." Hatori admitted, slipping the written information and photos back into their cases, "Only embarrassing pictures."

The Sohma Vet, Sohma Susumu grinned in response. "Those embarrassing pictures could have all the information that I need to make my analysis." Susumu resembled a wolf. He had more than one scar from irritable animals, as well as dog-related canines. It wasn't any surprise to Hatori to learn that Shigure and Susumu had gotten along from their first meeting, which still not surprisingly, was looking after one of Ralph's sudden illnesses. "Give me a look."

Hatori, irritated, lifted the photos just out of Susumu's reach when he walked forward, causing Susumu to stumble and fall flat on the ground. He rubbed his face, and glared up at the Dragon. "Ha'ri, you're so cruel!"

"When did you start calling me that?" Hatori asked, trying to distract the Vet from the photos. Unfortunately, he was holding it out of his reach in many different angles.

Susumu ignored the question. "I'll keep calling you Ha'ri, Ha'ri, until you give me the evidence."

"I don't care."

In the end, Hatori had forked over the photos, and Susumu had had a fit of laughter looking through the written evidence, then had fainted from it after looking at the photos. The picture of Kyo in his own mess was his favourite.

"Well, Hatori." He said finally, wiping a final tear from his eye, "We see this actions a lot with adolescent cats. Tell me, Kyo is around 18, correct?"

"Correct."

"Well, if he was a real cat, he'd be boarding on 9 months. Now then. How is the best way to deal with an adolescent male tom cat?"

After Susumu explained what exactly a Tom Cat was, the pair of the concocted a plan. Hatori smirked. This would teach the feline for pissing all over his office.

* * *

"Oh, Kyoooo!" Shigure sang, grinning hyperactively as he swung around the lounge room door, "Hatori's here to see you… oh, Kyo, not again!"

"Hey, shut your face you damn mutt! I'm cleaning it up!"

Shigure had found Kyo with cloth in hand, bent over a yellow patch in the carpet. A bottle of vinegar was sitting on top of the Kotsu.

"Honestly, Kyo, I might have to toilet train you all _over_ again."

"SHUT UP AND PISS OFF, YOU STUPID MUTT!"

* * *

"Kyo, you should really learn to watch your language." Hatori said, pulling out his deck chair. Hatori, Susumu and Shigure had decided to sit outside, just in case Kyo had another accident inside Shigure's precious house. Kyo had just been dragged along.

Of course, Susumu went into a fit of laughter the moment he saw Kyo, the same boy that was in the photos.

"Now then, in all seriousness," Susumu said finally, wiping the last tear from his eye, "I don't believe we've met. I'm Sohma Susumu, resident Sohma Vet."

"What in the hell would a vet want with me?" Kyo asked roughly, glaring daggers at all three men.

"Ah, about that." Hatori spoke up, after a moments silence, "How much do you know about cats?"

Kyo didn't speak for another few seconds. "I haven't been bloody bothered to learn, okay, stupid dragon?"

"Well," Susumu continued, "Let's just say that the demon inside of you –" Kyo tensed at the mention of the demon "- is just growing up. Cats do lots of things as adolescents, although erratic urination is more of a rare occurrence."

All three men (besides Kyo, Shigure didn't want another deck chair ruined) had their chairs set up, and were sitting quiet happily to form an arch way in front of the sitting Kyo.

"So, in other words, to silence your shitty behaviour which will probably go on until you're 50 – although the urination should stop in a few months – we're going to have to neuter you."

"Neuter…? What's that?"

Shigure sighed. "You really hate animals, don't you, Kyo?"

"So what? You got something to say about it, you damn mutt!"

"Kyo," Hatori butted in, "It means to get ones balls cut off."

Kyo blinked. Letting it register, before gripping his manhood protectively. "No way you shit faces are getting your hands on these!"

With that, he ran to the edge of the shrubbery, jumped over the nearest bush, and fled into the forest. Susumu chuckled. "Just like a cat, to try and get away from the Vet."

* * *

Tohru knew she should be worried. Kyo had been gone for over three weeks, and she knew that she should probably be crying all over the place for his return, but the house was beginning to lose it's smell of urine, and she'd actually not been waken up from scratching and meowing at her door. It wasn't like she didn't _care_ about Kyo or anything, it was just that he… was butting his head against the kitchen window, asking to be allowed in.

Sighing, Tohru opened the screen, watching Kyo bounce down, check for Shigure, and shut the kitchen door, before turning to look towards Tohru. "I'm hungry."

"Ah! Kyo! I'm so glad to see you!" Tohru said, flinging herself at Kyo, "Welcome home!"

Unfortunately, she connected with Kyo, and a loud POOF was heard all throughout the house, as well as Shigure's hurried footsteps. Hastily, she shoved Kyo behind the fridge.

"Was that a poof I heard, Tohru-kun? Kyo's not here is he?"

"N-No, Shigure-san. I haven't heard from or seen Kyo at all. Do you suppose he's alright?"

Kyo, who was getting the ends of his fur electrocuted by the refrigerator wire, glowered evilly. If Tohru wasn't Tohru, the moment he got out of here, he would have scratched her square between the eyes.

"Oh, very well then." Shigure sighed, he sounded extremely disappointed. "I guess I'll go and write my manuscript then."

"Write your manuscript? That'll be a first!"

"Huh? Tohru-kun, I could have sworn I just heard Kyo's voice."

Both Tohru and Kyo bristled. Kyo twitched. How could he have been so stupid?

"Ah, no, Shigure-san, I was just trying to put on a voice!" Tohru laughed sheepishly and repeated the sentence in as much Kyo-ness as she could muster. Shigure simply shrugged.

"You did it better the first time."

With that, he left.

Tohru plucked Kyo out of the back of the Fridge, getting a heck of a lot of static shocks from his fur, and set him down.

"Forget this." Kyo stated, glowering at the refrigerator. "Tie my clothes around my neck."

Tohru did as she was told.

"Good. Now I'm going away, and I'm never coming back."

Kyo bounded up onto the sink, then out the open window, leaving Tohru bewildered and a little guilty.

* * *

Eventually, Kyo did come back to Shigure's house. It turned out that he preferred Tohru's cooked meals to dead birds, but surprisingly, he got to keep his balls. Hatori decided that as long as Kyo attempted to tone it down, he'd allow Kyo to keep his manhood, at least until graduation. If he could prove by then that he was going to calm down, and take the 'Tom' out of Tom Cat, Hatori would forget about the neutering surgery all together. Susumu wasn't too happy about it, and Hatori had warned Kyo not to go to any strange places with him.

So, all in all, everything turned out all right. Kyo's erratic peeing stopped completely in a few months, and eventually, Shigure's house lost the urine smell to Tohru's deodorant, that although it wasn't pleasant for the boys, it smelt a lot better than cat pee.

* * *

Oh, and before you all ask; no, Kyo won't be affected in future stories by this one, and no he didn't get neutered at the end at all.


	27. Important Notice

**Hey Guys,**

Sorry, but this isn't a one shot – don't kill me xD. I thought I'd just let you all know that I'm still alive and I haven't forgotten my beloved One-shots. (Besides, my homemade Ralph is constantly glaring at me.)

Anywho, I'm experiencing a rather bad case of writers block inspiration wise. I want to write more one shots, but my brain can't come up with decent story lines or humour… eck.

So, here I am, asking for your help! More than ever, I _really_ need storylines – I'll even do random pairings. So, it'd be really helpful if all my faithful readers could help me with my sickness.

If ya interested in helping me, you could give me one of these (or all of them) things;

**Characters: **List whatever characters ya want me to use  
**Storyline:** A basic storyline, nothing in to much detail, I need to be able to work comedy into it.  
**An Object: **Something they fawn over? Ralph? Anything really.

Your help is truly appreciated!

**-Dyeh**


	28. The Day Tohru Exploded

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket - be lucky I updated! (I think Takaya-sensei is filing a law suit against me... -twitch-. (Theres a little bug telling me; 'You wish!')).**

Okay. You were all DYING for an update - so here it is. But, I'm not taking any credit for writing it. My friend who is staying with me at the moment (I mentioned her in _Cat's and Dog's Don't Mix_) wrote a random story about herself exploding and me finding it funny, drinking coke, and going to Australian Pidol (which was not surprisingly taken off Australian Idol. There's also an American Idol as you should be all aware. God I hate that show.) All in all, it's very exciting.

But, let me say it again - I did not write it. Therefore, it has extreme randomness. EXTREME RANDOMNESS! So, don't blame me if you spontaniously combust due to the randomness of the random content written in this random one shot. It has nothing to do with anything, really. I just went in and changed the names because (personally) I can imagine them all doing these things.

**

* * *

**

**The Day Tohru Exploded**

One day, Tohru woke up and then she felt like he was going to explode. She got up and went about her daily business as usual. Later that night, she heard a ticking sound. She thought nothing of it, just dismissing it as the clock in the lounge room sounding unusually loud because of the silence in the house. Suddenly, Tohru exploded.

Yuki burst into the room to see the smoldering remains of Tohru. He drank some coke and pushed Shigure, then looked all shocked and stuff. Yuki wanted to show his sadness, so he picked up a squeaky crocodile and squeaked it. He then attached the jaw of the squeaky crocodile to Kyo's ear and squeaked it… to the max. Kyo died of crankiness and suddenly, Yuki dropped his coke and fell over.

* * *

Hours later, Yuki awoke in a warehouse that made suitcases. He was inside one of the suitcases. He was just about to scream when he saw a beetle. He looked at the beetle and forgot he was inside a suitcase. He prodded the beetle.

"I'm gonna call you Bee-Bee!" he exclaimed. Yuki stared at the beetle as it made it's way around the suitcase. When the beetle got out of the suitcase, Yuki cried out,

"Hey! Bee-Bee! Where are you going?" He slowly came to realise that he was inside a suitcase. He screamed and screamed and screamed for hours, then realised that he could just unzip the suitcase and climb out. He came out into the sunlight, blinking and hissing at the sun.

When he got outside, he was greeted by a bored-looking audience and a reality-show-looking host who appeared to be asleep. He looked confused and continued to search for the beetle he had named. Somebody in the audience yelled out,

"Hey! He's out!" The reality-show-looking host woke up and walked over to Yuki.

"Hello Yuki Sohma, and welcome to Australian Pidol!" he said, and held a microphone up to Yuki's mouth.

"Australian _Pidol_?" he asked.

"Yes, Australian Pidol! The show where some idiot is taken from the scene of a horrible accident and put into a factory!" the host replied.

Yuki took the microphone fromthe reality show host and said,

"Ask me how much million." The host grabbed another microphone, seemingly from nowhere, and said,

"How much million?"

"I don't know." Yuki replied. The host looked very confused. The audience was silent. Yuki stood where he was, laughing his head off. Then, the sky went black and Shigure's head appeared in the sky. Yuki looked up at Shigure. Shigure looked very cranky.

"Hi mutt!" Yuki said excitedly. Shigure cast a spell on Yuki, turning him into a beetle. Yuki got very excited about being a beetle, because now he was the same size as Bee-Bee and he could talk to Bee-Bee. Then, Yuki was blown up by the squeaky crocodile that he had attached to Kyo's ear. The squeaky crocodile squeaked angrily at Yuki's smouldering el' remains-o, then peed on them.

Shigure laughed at Yuki and high fived the squeaky crocodile. Suddenly, a little puppy accidentally pressed the "Launch" button of a nuclear bomb and blew up the planet, and everybody died.

* * *

Incase you were wonder who the original people were in the story (Which you weren't) I will tell you!

Tohru - Bushy (one of my bestest friends in the whole world!)  
Yuki - Dyeh (me n.n)  
Kyo - Little Bushy(relative of Bushy)  
Shigure - Doog (my brother.)

P.S. Sorry I didn't make Yuki explode. I wanted to, but it didn't fit ;-;


	29. Shigure's Manuscript

**Disclaimer: I still don't own it.**

Yay! Two updates in one night when I'm supposed to be away for two weeks! Whoot! It's great not being able to sleep until 2am, it really is. In any case, I actually wrote this one, and its hideously short, but I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you guys!

You also should probably know just how _close_ I came to making this a Shigure x Kyo pairing. It was REALLY, REALLY, EXTRAORDINARILY close. If I wouldn't have lost half my readers to the pairing, I probably would have. Then again, my other Fruits Basket Story is a Shigure x Kyo one... so I should be grateful and go and write that! Whoot! Anyways, enjoy this One-shot.

I'm back in business baby, yeah!

**

* * *

**

**Shigure's Manuscript**

"Kyo!" Shigure called, waving his hand in Kyo's general direction to indicate to actually come. (Hatori had learnt to use that whenever he wanted Shigure's attention when he was little. It appeared that Shigure responded better with hand signals than verbally.)

Kyo had been heading to the bathroom, which was just past Shigure's study, and of course had been stopped. "I'm trying to go to the bathroom, damn mutt!"

"Fine then. Relieve yourself and don't care about my feelings."

"I will." Kyo then marched off in the direction he was going, leaving a very sour faced Shigure behind.

* * *

_Five minutes later…_

"Kyoooo, will you read my manuscript?"

"No."

* * *

_Five minutes later after later…_

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease read my manuscript!"

"No!"

* * *

_Five minutes later after later that is WAY after later…_

"How about now?"

"NO!"

"Fine. I'll have to tell Tohru all the content of Kyo's diary. Let's see, '6th of July, At breakfast I saw her…'"

"FINE!" Kyo screamed, stomping in Shigure's general direction, making sure to stamp down on the novelists hand as he entered the study.

While Shigure shook out his hand, he handed Kyo the manuscript with the other. "You've never read my master pieces have you, Kyo?" He asked absentmindedly, popping joints back into place, "They're all based at Teenagers."

"Yeah, yeah, what ever." So, Kyo began to read.

_There was once a boy name Kii. Kii was a sad little boy because he had been dealing drugs for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Poor Kii had even sold his Mother's dentist to get some drugs, even though he knew **drugs are bad**. It wasn't long before Kii realised that he **had a problem**. So, Kii went to group therapy. Kii didn't survive because he got beaten senseless by a girl's father, the girl of who he impregnated._

"What in the hell…" Kyo read it over and over again. "Is… this?"

Shigure's manuscript was… stupid. Incredibly stupid. It was hideously short, too.

"This… is the sequel to the 2nd highest novel this year?"

"Yep!" Shigure said happily, "The first was about Kii and a puppy. It went for a whole _one hundred words_."

"… How do you… what do you…"

Shigure stood, grinning from ear to ear, "Teenagers these days are very gullible, Kyo-kun."


	30. Kyo and Haru make Pie

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fruits Basket**

Hello... it's been over a month, but I have another update! Horrah! I almost forgot how much fun it is to write just, random, stupid one-shots like these... ah... I missed the feeling of laughing my sides stupid and the idiotic things that I came up with, and imagining the faces of my friends as they read it...

So, yes. This one shot contains a very OOC Haru, Kyo burning babies, and Yuki getting slow cooked. An hilarious mix, yes? And all in 1,050 words! One-shots aren't supposed to be long after all.

And... OH MY GOD! _A Series of Twisted One Shots: Furuba Style _has reached 100 reviews! I'm so happy! Now two of my fanfictions are over the 100 mark... which is actually a very big milestone for me oO; So, like, if you've been lurking and haven't told me what you think... I really want to know n.n! Even if you completely hate me for what I do to the characters, and you just have a rant about how corrupt my writing style is... I wanna know! I don't mind n.n!

So yes, anyways, enjoy this one shot, and please review n.n!

**

* * *

**

**Kyo and Haru make Pie**

"Hey, Kyo, let's make a pie." Haru said randomly one day to the teenager who had been trying desperately to hide himself, for obvious reasons, seeing as he had a pink dress that Ayame – who happened to be in Shigure's study, with Shigure, doing god knows what – had forced him in.

The teenager bristled, and turned around to face the stoic looking, and pointed a finger accusingly. Why? He had no idea, but it just seemed like a good idea, and ideas that were good just worked in that instant. "You!" He said, "You brought that beast here!" Of course, he was just trying to pass the blame to Haru, as Kyo often did to... well... everybody.

"That's all nice and all," Haru said, "but can we make pie?"

"What is it with you and pie?" Kyo glared, before realising that Haru hadn't said anything about what he was wearing, in fact, he didn't even seem to have noticed. He also didn't notice when Kyo blushed red and grabbed himself protectively as if the poor delusional Haru was about to violate him. "..."

"I like pie." Haru continued, seemingly taking no notice. "So let's make pie."

"What if I DON'T want to make pie?" Kyo said triumphantly, grinning to himself. There was no way, _no_ _way_ that he was going to make pie with Haru. Ha! He couldn't make him!

"I'll take pictures of you in the dress and put them in all the girls' lockers."

Okay. So, Haru could make Kyo make pie with him. Kyo's triumphant look faded into a frown, "But who's going to eat the pie?"

"We are." Haru said happily, "Because I-"

"Like pie." Kyo finished for him. "Yeah, yeah, I know."

Haru just beamed.

* * *

"Get out the pot." Kyo instructed Haru, having managed to actually get changed once Haru brought down a suitable change of clothes for him. He'd stashed the dress in the cupboard under the downstairs bathroom's sink, and _horrible_ things were going to happen to it... _horrible_...

"Got the pot!" Haru sang, snapping Kyo out of his trance and holding up stainless-steel object to Kyo's eye height, and that shaded Haru's head from Kyo. "Now let's make pie!"

"Okay, first, Haru," Kyo said, reading from the cook book, "you have to add the steak cubes, water, two tablespoons of flour, the beef stock cube, some salt and pepper, the thinly sliced onion and a table spoon of Worcestershire sauce."

"Okay!" Haru said happily, deciding to add the steak last. After all were added, he picked up what he thought was one of the steak cubes – and the steak cube started squeaking and wriggling. Shrugging, he presumed it was just stubborn, and prepared to throw it in the mixture…

"Wait! Haru! That's not a stock cube that's Yu… wait, on second thought, never mind."

And, thus, Yuki – who had transformed from exhaustion after being chased by Ayame, and was seeking a place to hide – was thrown into the mixture that was… slowly cooking.

"Okay, now to prepare the base." Kyo said, looking down at the cook book again. "Got the base?"

"Yes!" Haru beamed, holding up the frozen pie bases, "Pre-packaged pie bases are the best!"

"That's nice." Kyo sighed, "do you heat it up?"

"I don't know!" Was Haru's optimistic and highly intelligent answer. Kyo made a mental note not to let Haru anywhere near Momiji for at least six months. He sighed, and chose a random number on the microwave, shoved the pie base in, and turned it on and waited.

"You can do the rest." He told Haru, who simply pouted, but turned around the watch the microwave that seemed to be mesmerizing.

* * *

"BURN, BABY, BURN!" Kyo told the dress that was burning to ashes in front of him, outside of Shigure's house, just beyond the door on the path. Kyo had decided that he didn't want the dress to live any longer, had fished it out of the cupboard he'd stashed it in, somehow pinched Shigure's cigarette lighter, and had set it alight in front of the house.

"Who's burning babies?" Ayame asked absentmindedly, opening the front door to the house, and starting a Kyo's back – who was shielding the fire from him. "Well now! Kyonkichi, what horrible vendetta do you have against an innocent baby? This will simply be a sight to see! Kyo burning a baby." Grinning, he walked up behind Kyo, now being able to see the flames. Finally, he stopped behind the boy and looked at the heap. "That's not a baby... that's my... MY DRESS! MY MASTERPIECE! NOOOO!" And, thus, Ayame became a sobbing wreck, and bent down, mourning the loss of $500 worth of lace and specially made material.

"So what is it that you wanted?" Kyo asked, standing up, ignoring the tears that were flowing down Ayame's face.

Aya sniffed. "I came to tell you that," sniff, "the pie's done."

Kyo turned, walking back to the house when he heard Ayame scream; "WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN A BABY, KYO!"

* * *

"Isn't this a lovely pie?" Shigure sang, "and I never knew that two princes could make such an amazing pie all on their own. You two simply must be women at heart."

"We are not!" Kyo snapped, Haru, who was too busy eating his pie didn't reply, so Kyo spoke for him too.

"Oh, Kyo-kun, don't lie. You wound people by lying."

"You wound people by not burning babies too." They heard Aya mutter from across the table. Seeing as he hadn't touched his pie, Haru pinched it. Both Shigure and Haru had decided that they didn't want to know.

So, Shigure continued. "So, when's the change?"

"What change?" Kyo glared.

"The sex change! To be women, you can't possibly be in a man's body. Oh, I so pity you Kyo, and you too Haru. Women's souls, trapped in a mans body... loving men... rejected by everybody because of what you are... ah... it has the great makings for a novel. I'm sure that Aya could even make you dresses! Right, Aya?"

"What does it matter..." The group sweat dropped again. Obviously, Ayame was on the less happy side, so, Shigure decided to change the subject.

"So, has anybody seen Yuki recently?"


	31. Sick Kitty

**Disclaimer: I don't own it n.n!**

Would ya look at that. I'm in a one-shot writing mood, I guess... I just can't seem to get _Cats, Dog's and a Little Bit of Magic_ or _A Cat's Death Wish _out of my brain at the moment. -Sigh- So, I'll upload one-shots instead!

This work of art is all about when Kyo gets 'the runs', and I personally hate them. Anybody that has had them would probably hate them just as much, right? Anywho, yeah, moving on, this was written just for Shnoogie n.n! I love torturing Kyo... and you can blame her for me doing so. Whoot!

Anywhos, enjoy, and please review n.n!

**

* * *

**

**Sick Kitty**

"I feel... sick." Kyo said randomly, as he opened his eyes and sat up. "My stomach is all... weird." His eyes snapped open, his face contorted, and he screamed; "I NEED THE TOILET!" He jumped out of bed, tripping and falling face flat into the ground, tangled in the bedding, he untangled himself, raced through his rice paper door, and to the toilet, only to discover it occupied. "Hurry. Up. Hurry. Up!" He repeated, dancing back and forth on both feet, his hands on his ass. When he heard the toilet flush, he banged on the door.

Shigure, who had been in the toilet at the time, opened the door and started to say; "You're going to have to wait, Kyo-kun!" But only got half way through the sentence, when the door was jerked from his grip, he was shut out in the hall, and the door was shut again, this time Kyo on the inside. "Kyo-kun... I haven't washed my hands yet!"

A slightly panicked reply came from the bathroom, "I don't give a damn!"

Shigure blinked, bewildered, he turned to look at Yuki who it seemed had walked in at the exact moment Kyo had yanked the door from him. Yuki answered the questioning look that had appeared in Shigure's eyes. "I'd say the cat has the runs."

"I DO NOT!" Kyo screamed from inside the bathroom, outside, Shigure and Yuki sighed. Finally, Yuki said;

"Don't be in denial Kyo."

"I AM NOT!" Kyo screamed back.

"Shigure, it seems that Kyo's brain is in three-word-sentences land. You're the literature genius, fix him." Yuki said as he passed Shigure, ignoring the rather unpleasant sounds coming from the bathroom.

* * *

"Kyo's bowels are empty!" Shigure sang, now sitting opposite to Kyo, who was staring at his food without an appetite.

"Shut it!" Kyo glared.

But, really, Shigure singing about the fact that Kyo had emptied about three days worth of waste in the space of five minutes really wasn't something that was suitable for singing about, but, then again, Shigure sang about a lot worse things, and those things will not be mentioned in this fanfiction, because the rating would have to be bumped up a notch. But, in any case, one thing was for certain – Kyo wasn't going to school.

"I'm so sorry to hear you aren't well!" Tohru had squealed at Kyo as he'd finally emerged from the bathroom, "Is it food poisoning? Did I poison you? Oh I'm so sorry, Kyoooo! May the God in heaven strike me down for such an act!"

"Tohru."

"May he slaughter me, one of his lamb-"

Kyo put a hand on Tohru's head, and she turned, looking teary eyed up at Kyo. He sighed; "It's not your fault I'm... unwell."

"It isn't?"

Kyo nodded.

"So it is!"

Kyo shook his head.

"It's not?"

Kyo nodded again.

"So it is! Kyo, I'm-"

"It's not, Tohru. It's not your fault. Don't worry about it, okay?"

"Ah, youth! It's lovely." Shigure had said, grinning and holding their – new – handless phone. "Ah, yes, sorry about that, is Hatori around? I have a sick boy here that needs-" The phone was yanked from Shigure's hand by Kyo, and he clicked the red phone that symbolised hanging up. He then said very threateningly;

"I. Do. Not. Need. Hatori!"

"Why not?" Tohru asked innocently.

"Well, you see," Shigure answered, cutting over Kyo, who was about to say something stupid, "poor Kyo's so embarrassed about... no... wait..." he paused, working his way into a dramatic stage; "You see, Tohru, Kyo's secretly in love with Hatori! So, he's embarrassed to let Hatori see him like this... oh, the drama!"

"That has to be the stupidest thing you've said all day." Yuki commented, walking up the stairs to get to his room. It went unnoticed by all, seeing as Tohru was now giving Kyo a lecture on how wonderful it is to hear him say that he likes somebody, while Kyo was attempting to strangle Shigure from behind. All in all, Yuki found that scene just a little bit kinky.

* * *

"So, where is he?" Hatori asked, walking up the stairs, followed by Shigure, who was grinning widely. Hatori paused looking at the closed bathroom door, instantaneously hearing the toilet flush, then the tap and then watched it open, with a not-very-happy Kyo appearing on the other side. "Ah. Kyo. Found you." He paused, looking at Kyo, "had another attack, I see?"

Kyo's face became unreadable, and Shigure started to giggle softly.

"I guess I won't be needing these then." Hatori continued, holding up a bottle of laxatives and pocketing them again.

Kyo's face turned to rage, while Shigure erupted in extremely loud laughter.

* * *

"I know it's not very pleasant, Kyo." Hatori said, taking Kyo's temperature, "the runs never is." He read the temperature, before looking at Shigure. "In any case, you will need to stay home until it clears, staying near the toilet is better, so you don't have an accident."

"I will not!" Kyo glared, Hatori just shrugged.

"In any case, it's a shame I didn't have to use these." Hatori sighed, holding up the bottle of laxatives. "I do so love them."

That being said, Hatori was avoided by Kyo for at least three months afterwards. Kyo felt better in a week, but Yuki contracted it afterwards (Hatori fed him laxatives regardless), luckily, neither Tohru nor Shigure got it, but Shigure found the whole thing hilarious. And then, life resumed as normal, but the bathroom would never smell quite the same again.


	32. Barbie and the Scrap Book

**Disclaimer: I only own Kevin - I like that name. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. Kevin. xDD! It sounds funny.**

Hrm. Fanfiction deleted all this authors note bit. What was on it again...? Oh! Yeah! That's right. This is something I cooked up when I was supposed to be studying for my Modern History exam n.n;;! Exciting no?

Oh, yeah, once again, Akito is _completely_ out of character. The insane, Party Cup eating (and in this case, Barbie Doll playing) Akito is back, my friends! If you dislike it at all... sue me. Okay. No, don't. Please, for the love of god don't sue me o.o; I don't have money!

Oh, yeah, while I'm babbling - this is probably my last fanfiction update until next Thursday the uh... well... 13th! Yes! Thursday the 13th or Friday the 14th! If I got the dates wrong... too bad. Math isn't my strong point. Speaking of which... maybe I should prepare for the exam tomorrow...

I'll stop babbling now.

Enjoy! (and please review n.n!)

**

* * *

**

**Barbie and the Scrap Book**

Kyo didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know why he was on the ground either. Okay... so he did. But he didn't _want_ to know why Akito had put a party cup – with elastic – around the top of his head that had a smiley face on it. Akito had one too, but that was beside the point.

Degrading was the understatement of the century!

And, the Barbie Dolls that Akito had imported from china weren't helping the situation either. Kyo had been stuck playing with them, only because Akito had bluntly promised that he could kill of Akito's character sometime in their game.

He wasn't told when, where or how.

"Ooooo, Ken!" Akito said happily, his character being a rather chewed Barbie – Akito blamed Hatori. Why? No idea. He just didn't blame himself for anything. "I loooooooove you!"

"Yeah, yeah." Was Kyo's bored reply, and a glare was shot at him from Akito; "Uh, yeah, Barbie, I love you too."

"Yay!"

Kyo twitched as Akito's character basically molested Kyo's. He decided that the moment Akito turned on him – he was out of there.

* * *

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeello, Akito-san!" Shigure sang, opening the door happily, to come across a rather hilarious sight. Akito and Kyo. Playing with _naked_ Barbie Dolls. Oh, this was a camera opportunity. Luckily, Shigure had one, considering he had been planning to show Akito photos of his wonderful trip to the convenience store. Of course, the pictures were only taken to be the basis of an excuse.

"..." Shigure swallowed his laughter; staring at Kyo who was glaring at him to do _anything_, like, for example _breathe_. "K-Kyo-kun. What a surprise to see you here!"

"I'll hurt you," was Kyo's reply.

On the other hand, Akito seemed rather happy. He'd always been rather happy – after devouring Party Cups, his disrupted brain had turned mildly insane and childish, but we all knew that, didn't we?

"Gure!" He said, although not moving from where he was sitting; "come play, come play!" When Shigure almost refused, he said slightly darker; "Come. Play."

"Hai, hai." Shigure replied, stepping inside and shutting the door. Kyo promptly gave him Ken, but was given; 'Kevin – the Gay Transvestite Prostitute Barbie' straight afterwards. Ken had been a much better choice. A _much_ better choice.

* * *

"Oh, Kevin." Shigure said, putting on a fake voice for Ken; "we still love you, even if you are a gay transvestite prostitute!"

Kyo twitched. Shigure was really enjoying this; only because it meant that Kyo was completely screwed with the character he'd been given. Akito promptly replied Shigure with; "Yes! Kevin, we still love you!"

"What do you mean love?" Ken asked, shocked, his whole body turning as he hopped in the direction of Barbie; "you've been sleeping with him, haven't you?"

"No!" Barbie cried, dislocating her arms as they came up to her face; "he raaaaaaaaaaaped me!"

Ken turned evil and hopped back over to Kevin, using his whole body to whack the other plastic being over the head.

Of course, Shigure found this hilarious, but was constantly swallowing his laughter – meaning his face was very red. Kyo's face was equally red, but not for the same reason. For Kyo, anally challenged at this moment was _still_ an understatement. But, in any case, it was Kyo's turn.

"I didn't!" Kevin screamed, levitating horizontally and ramming his head into Ken's stomach. Ken fell over in a 'dead' like pose, but only because Shigure let it go to scratch his head.

Akito burst into tears; "You killed Ken, Kyoooo!" And then, added rather quickly; "you must pay."

"Uh..." Kyo blinked, dropping Kevin – the Gay Prostitute Barbie as Akito advanced on him; "I... didn't mean to kill Ken."

"Are you sorry?"

"Uh..." he looked at Akito; "Yes. I'm very, very sorry."

Akito turned happier. "Yay!"

"I knoooooow!" Shigure said, waving his hands in the air, creating attention from both of them; "Let's take _photos_ with our characters!"

Kyo did _not_ like the glint in Shigure's eyes.

"Photos?" Akito asked, dropping Barbie to look at Shigure with wide eyes.

"Yes!" Shigure said happily; "we'll make a pretty _pink_" – Akito's eyes lit up – "scrapbook with them, and show them to the entire Zodiac!"

"We will not!" Kyo cried, standing up, and almost crushing Kevin – the Gay Transvestite Prostitute Barbie under his feet; "Don't you dare Shigure!"

"Let's do that!" Akito said happily.

Akito grinned, Kyo glared, and Shigure looked triumphant.

* * *

The photos had taken about three hours to take; mostly because the moment they developed (it was one of them instant-camera things that Shigure had brought, he always came prepared!), Kyo cut out his head, and they had to make take the photos _again_.

Shigure found good use for the cut outs – he stuck them on Akito and his heads as well, and found this rather funny. Of course, he didn't put the picture in their scrap book; he was going to stick them up around Kyo's school.

"There. Finished! A scrap book full of wonderful memories, don't you agree, Kyo?" Shigure said happily, putting the last piece of pink lace onto the pink paint, which had been painted onto the once white scrap book page.

Kyo, who was still sour, didn't answer. He'd had a bit of a war with the P-V-A Glue, and was glued to the scraps of pictures. Akito had thought of Kyo as a; 'Living Picture!', and Kyo had _not_ been impressed.

"Let's go show it around!" Shigure said, and Akito nodded furiously. Kyo, as we all know, just silently fumed.

And, the reactions of the Zodiac were as followed;

Kureno thought it was cute – only because Akito had made it. Shigure had almost pounced the poor Rooster for touching Akito, and the pair had squabbled for half an hour.

Hatori was quietly disturbed, and offered Kyo some psychological help, that the cat flatly declined.

Ayame wondered why Yuki wasn't present in the picture.

Haru quoted on how cute it would be if Kevin and Kyo dated; and Kyo pommelled him into the ground.

Momiji asked if he could join in next time.

Ritsu apologised about several, unrelated things, but as an afterthought said he liked the pictures.

Hiro bitched about how childish it was, and got thumped by Kyo.

Kisa thought it was one of the cutest things in the world, but was slightly disturbed by Kevin – the Gay Transvestite Prostitute Barbie

Rin, surprisingly, didn't say anything.

Yuki complimented on the colour, then commented on how the cat couldn't smile for even if he tried – and he and Kyo fought for about half an hour, while Shigure and Akito asked Kagura.

Kagura asked if she could have a copy of every photo.

(A/n: I don't think I missed anyone...)

So, all in all, it was a productive day of play for Akito, Kyo – and even Shigure. And, although, the scrapbook lay long forgotten after about a week; the photos of Kyo at school didn't. But, one thing was for sure – Kyo was _never_ scrap-booking, or playing Barbie again.

* * *

Before you all ask; no, you won't see Kevin - the Gay Transvestite Prostitute Barbie again. He'd scare to many people. Okay... maybe at Halloween, where he goes around disembowling people... -Cough- Then again... maybe not. Maybe I should stop voicing my dreams out-a-loud, neh? 


	33. Why one should never give Hatori Pudding

**Disclaimer: I own pudding. Not Furuba. If it was a combination... oh dear god...**

I have a single word to say to this one shot: **_PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!_**

That's right, folks, this one shot is all about the effects of Pudding on a certain dragon-doctor-person-thing! That being said, Hatori is _extremely_ out of character, so read if you dare! I wrote this (surprisingly long) one shot to get out of writers block so that I can write more _He is my Master_, but is far it hasn't worked ..;

The one shot was fun to write though !

Enjoy! (And please review n.n!)

* * *

**Why one should _never_ give Hatori pudding**

The day started out as per usual. Kyo, Tohru and Yuki woke up – in that order – while Shigure woke up sometime around... midday? Well, sometime when the sun was well and truly up, and the birds had worn out their vocal cords – or... been caught and eaten by Kyo. Either, all. But, in any case, the day continued normally; Tohru, Yuki and Kyo went to school – in that order, Kyo had to be dragged by his no-existent cat ears by Yuki, they ate lunch, they attended classes – except Kyo, who only attended homeroom – and then came back to Shigure's house.

There was only one thing that was unusual, and that was the attendance of Hatori at dinner.

"I'm so glad you could come!" Tohru said happily; putting out all different kinds of western styled food that she'd attempted to cook, which, of course, came out quite near perfect. "It's been so long since we've had company!"

"Blame Shigure." Hatori said stoically, using his knife and fork to cut the meat, then swirled it in gravy before eating. He swallowed and said; "He forced me here."

"Now, now, Haa-san. You know it's been forever since you last stayed for dinner, and of course, we haven't had a sleep over since... second grade? And now we're _older_, we can do more _fun_ things." Of course, nobody – except Tohru – missed the _suggestion_ that was in Shigure's voice as he looked almost seductively over the table.

"Who said I was staying the night?" Hatori said coolly, now pushing his finished plate away.

"Really?" Tohru asked, sounding rather down with the world; "... I guess you won't have time to stay for desert then? And I worked so hard on the pudding..." she blinked, "why is everybody looking like that?"

And, it was rather strange. Hatori had gone strangely quiet, while hackles had risen on the other three in the room; not to mention the fact that Shigure looked like he was about to jump up and restrain the dragon, but from what, exactly?

And then, with some edge in his voice, Hatori said; "Did you say... pudding?"

Tohru blinked, but replied happily; "Yes!"

"Shigure, get me a bed ready."

"Eh?"

And, there was a thought that went through Kyo, Shigure and Yuki's mind: _Oh dear god...

* * *

_

The tension in the room was high – and it was Hatori who was making most of it – in fact, it seemed that most of them – except Tohru, who remained oblivious to the raising danger – was trying desperately to keep as far away from Hatori as possible.

And, when the tension got too much for little Tohru, she went in to retrieve the pudding. "A-A-Ano, I'll be out w-with the desert in a second." She said, standing up and excusing herself under the almost possessive gaze of Hatori's eyes.

Shigure followed.

"You know, Tohru-kun;" he said, watching as she extracted the pudding from the fridge; "I don't know whether giving Hatori that pudding is such a good—" Shigure felt a sturdy hand on his shoulder.

"You aren't, by chance, trying to disrupt Tohru in extracting that pudding to put on the table, are you, Shigure?"

Shigure jumped out from under the hand, staring up at Hatori with wide eyes. "U-Uh, n-no..."

"Good. Here, Tohru, let me take it." Hatori continued, seemingly forgetting about Shigure, and attempted to convince Tohru that she didn't need to do all the work, and to let him take the pudding for her. While that was going on, Shigure slyly slid over to the cupboard, extracted three pots and slipped back into the living room.

Once back in the living room, Shigure stuck one of the pots on his head, then one on Yuki's and finally one on Kyo's before announcing; "BATTLE STATIONS MEN!"

* * *

Two hours passed, and Tohru had learnt a valuable lesson: _Never hand home made pudding over to boring, work obsessed doctors. It only brings pain._

And, pain it was bringing. Shigure, Kyo, Yuki and Tohru were using Tohru's over-turned bed for a barricade. Yes, somehow, while Hatori was making trying to convince the tree outside to battle him 'Ninja' style, the three of them had managed to drag out Tohru's bed into the hall way to use for a barricade to stop Hatori entering any of their three rooms.

"Okay. Here's the plan." Shigure said surprisingly stoically, as if he'd faced this all before; "We need to find a way to tie Haa-san down until he calms down."

"Trust you to have gone through this." Yuki said mockingly, peeking over the side of the bed to keep a look out for the currently mentally unstable doctor.

Tohru was still bewildered. "Ano... I don't... understand what's going on."

Shigure sighed, but explained regardless. "It's like this, Tohru-kun, ever since Hatori's been little, there has been nothing that can set him off and make him act like... would you call it a child?"

"It's called mental." Kyo muttered, but was ignored by everybody but Yuki, who took time to whack him across the head. "DAMN RAT!" Kyo whispered, though loudly; "I DARE you to do that again!" Yuki did it again. "OH THAT'S I—"

"Save it for another time." Shigure glared; "But, let's just say, that the one thing in the world that makes Hatori act like a... uh... drunk is pudding. Never feed the dragon pudding. Never, for the love of god, feed Hatori pudding. It only brings _a lot_ of pain."

Tohru looked extremely apologetic. "I-I'm sorry, Shigure-san. I didn't know."

Shigure sighed, rubbing his hair back from his face; "It's okay. I just wish he hadn't eaten the whole thing... KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Shaking from surprise, having jumped three metres backwards, and temporarily strangled of air, Shigure gripped the front of his shirt, looking up with terrified eyes at Hatori, who was just staring happily – too happily – at Shigure.

"LOOKY WHAT I GOT!" Hatori's voice seemed to have become high pitched and scary – and it seemed he couldn't speak at a normal tone of voice. "BUTT BISCUITS!" And, in front of Shigure, he held up a three-pack of Arnott's crackers that he'd obviously sat on and seemed overly happy about.

"Oi!" Kyo glared; "They were supposed to go in Tohru's lunch tomorrow, you stupid dragon!"

Hatori blinked, looked at his Butt Biscuits then apologetically at Tohru. "I'M SORRY! YOU CAN HAVE THEM BACK IF YOU WANT, I THINK THEY STILL WORK!"

"A-A-Ah, n-no, Hatori-san, they're all yours."

Hatori shrugged; "YOUR LOSS!"

* * *

"Heh? Really? He really said that? Mwahahahaha, talk about black mail material! THE BATHROOM IS GOING DOWN!"

Yes, now, Hatori was a raving maniac bent on world domination – and, with Butt Biscuits by his side, there was NOTHING he couldn't do!

... Except go to the bathroom, because he couldn't for the life of him figure out a way to open the door, and he _really needed to go_. Yes, life was horrible – at the moment, it hadn't been three seconds ago when he'd found a fish stain on the table – and Hatori was bent on rectifying it; one bathroom door at a time.

"Butt Biscuits, some paper, if you please." Hatori said, extending his hand in the direction of the crushed packet of crackers, and, when nothing happened, he glared at them and announced; "FINE! I'll do EVERYTHING my SELF!"

And, the moody, menstruating – wait. How does that work? Oh well. – Hatori had shown its presence, not to mention the fact that he made sure to stand on Butt Biscuits on his way out in search of paper. Past the bathroom door... wait. Why not tell the bathroom door what he wanted now, anyway? He had just been about to write to it.

So, standing up proud, Hatori glared at the door and screamed; "I DECLARE WAR! YOU WILL LET ME IN THERE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!"

He didn't even notice Shigure poking out the side of Kyo's room with a video camera.

Shigure grinned, making sure to keep it rolling on Hatori. The dragon waging war on a bathroom door was just _too_ funny, and way too good to pass off putting onto tape. _Everybody_ was going to watch this. Everybody!

"U-Uh, Shigure-san..." the tentative voice of Tohru came from behind, rubbing her thumbs around one another in nervousness; "Shouldn't we be stopping Hatori-san?"

Shigure waved a hand in response, although because he wasn't looking, he waved it on the opposite side to Tohru. "Nah. He'll crash in a minute. The pudding works just like alcohol. He'll faint soo... wow. Talk about timing."

And, Hatori had just randomly collapsed, his hand still on the door handle; his thoughts just before fainting... _You may have one this round, Bathroom, but don't think you'll win the next!

* * *

_

The night had been long – too long – for Kyo, Shigure, Tohru and Yuki. They were exhausted. Before Hatori had lost consciousness he'd chewed through six pieces of furniture, eaten Shigure's entire manuscript, drawn on his blank manuscript papers and installed so many different viruses on Shigure's computer that the novelist was sure it would never run again. He'd eaten Kyo's school shoes, pulled the brushes out of Tohru's hair brush, convinced himself that tree's were the enemy, tried to map out an educated plan of World War 356.4, tried to eat his way through the fridge but was turned off by the broccoli, and just caused basic chaos in Shigure's house.

But, when Hatori was fed pudding, all of those things were normal and to be expected.

It was the aftermath that the four of them had to worry about. After they'd put Hatori in Shigure's bed, they'd had to move Tohru's bed back into her room – which did Shigure's back, which unfortunately meant that Kyo and Yuki had to clean – because they refused to let poor, shell shocked Tohru do any of the work. Unfortunately, they'd all crashed from exhaustion before they could do any work of any sort, and the same went for Shigure. No doubt they'd be out for the next day or so.

* * *

Hatori awoke the next morning with a _massive_ headache. "Urgh..." he rolled up. Where was he? He felt drained... had Shigure fed him laxatives again? When he focused he realised that this was... Shigure's room. Blinking, he looked around to see of the dog was around, but, thankfully, he wasn't. No, he was all alone. Wait. What had he been doing, anyway?

Ah, right, the pudding.

Some idiot had fed him pudding, and he'd eaten the whole thing. Correction – he was the idiot. The aftermath was always consisted of Shigure's video camera and a headache; wouldn't he ever learn?

But... pudding tasted so damn good...

Hatori looked out to the sky through Shigure's window and vaguely wondered whether the cake store was open.

**END**


	34. Dresses hold complications

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Not yours. Not pie !**

Be proud of me, my friends, for I have updated twice in the last one or two days! (Not sure when. Too lazy to check.) In fact, I wrote this last night for some friends - it's all about Ayame trying to put Hatori in a dress. It's uber cute !

No, this isn't a pairing.

No, you don't look fat in that dress.

Enjoy. (And please review n.n!)

**

* * *

**

**Dresses hold complications.**

All his life Ayame had had a single goal. A goal so amazing, so well thought up that it made Ayame praise his intelligence. And, Ayame was intelligent. He was the smartest person he knew, bar the people that were smarter than him. Yes. His goal was something worth working for, and he'd been working towards it for as far as he could remember.

But he wasn't getting anywhere.

It seemed that there was no way that Ayame could put Hatori in a dress, but he wouldn't stop trying. The only problem was; he'd tried every way he could think of:

He'd put a dress in Hatori's Birthday Cake.

He'd put the dress _on_ a male stripper that was hidden _in_ the Birthday Cake, in hope that Hatori would get blind drunk and sleep with the stripper and then wear the dress – Hatori didn't get out much after all.

He'd tried to tempt Hatori with money.

He'd tried to employ Hatori as a model.

He'd tried to kick Hatori into submission, but Hatori managed to ignore him completely and continue with his paper work.

He'd tried strangling Hatori.

He'd tried tickling Hatori with an adorable pink feather that he'd found from the Hyaku-yen store.

He'd tried crying in front of Hatori.

He'd convinced Shigure to cry with him, and then cried in front of Hatori.

He'd threatened Hatori with everybody's innocence, but when he'd mentioned Yuki, Hatori had calmly reported him to the authorities and it had taken him four weeks to convince the judge that he hadn't been planning to rape his younger brother.

He'd told Hatori that he'd jump off a something made of concrete if he didn't wear the dress.

He'd actually jumped off the 'something made of concrete' and that happened to be the wheelchair ramp at the Hospital that Hatori was working at part time to cover his own home expenses. Ayame managed to sprain his ankle on the jump, and Hatori was far from impressed.

He'd tried marrying Hatori to a man in hopes that Hatori would be the bride and wear the dress. His fiancé happened to "spontaneously combust" only minutes before the wedding, and the explosion wiped out half of Hatori's fiancé's family. It was ironic that the church had been set up for a funeral.

He tried to make Hatori audition for the part of Mary in a Nativity play, but Hatori hadn't turned up. He'd had 'other plans', forcing Ayame to play the part instead – not that he minded.

He'd tricked Hatori into going into a gay bar. Unfortunately, by the end of the night, most of the men in the club had turned straight, and were going to require counselling due to confusion with their minds. Three weeks later, Hatori had earned 2.4 million yen.

He'd tried stealing all of Hatori's clothes and leaving a single dress in the cupboard for him to wear, but, unfortunately, it seemed that Hatori had no problem with walking around with dirty clothes, or, worse, half naked.

He'd told Hatori – during a doctor's appointment – that he'd force himself to spontaneously combust – like Hatori's fiancé – if he didn't put on the dress. And, when Ayame held his breath and pushed in an attempt to catch on fire. Well, let's just say that Ayame's constipation wasn't an issue anymore.

He'd threatened to attempt to drown a cat, so Hatori did it himself. A soaking, wet, and half conscious Kyo emerged from a random river only moments after the two had gotten sufficiently bored.

Ayame had kicked Hatori in the shins for being stubborn, so Hatori had whirled around and whacked Ayame in the head. Ayame had cried until Hatori had dressed the wound.

Ayame feigned insanity – but it didn't work when Hatori forced him to take a lie detector test, and he asked the question: "Ayame, are you insane?" And of course, Ayame had replied; "Yes." and it told Hatori that it was incorrect. But, in any case, Hatori demanded his doctor's fee from the snake, and informed him darkly that he "could not be paid in fabric."

He'd stalked Hatori for a week. But, that was just because he was bored.

So far, nothing had worked. Maybe it was time for a new approach...

* * *

"Haa-san." Ayame said bluntly, his chin on the table, looking up at the dragon who was smoking on the other side; "Why won't you wear a dress?"

Hatori took a drag on his cigarette, blew out the smoke, and answered; "Because I'm not a poofter, Ayame."

"And I am?"

"Correct."

"I see..." Ayame, himself, wasn't really a poofter. He was half a poofter, and half a woman, so half and half really. "But, won't you wear the dress?"

"No. And get that high cut, bust revealing dress away from my feet, Ayame."

Ayame sighed. So Hatori did know about the dresses after all.

Damn.

**END**


	35. 20 things I would do if I was Akito

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned it, but I don't. I wish I were Akito, but I'm not. I wish I could live in an igloo, but that is impossible.**

Gooooooooooooooooood evening/afternoon/morning - what ever time it is where you are x3! It's great to be writing again, although this is a list more than writing. In fact, I dont' think this even _counts_ as a one shot, I was just trying to get out of writers block so that I can write more on _He is my Master_. So far, however, that has not worked ..; HOWEVER! I do have _really_ important, fanfiction unrelated news:

**I WON A TRIP TO JAPAN!**

That's right. Read that sentence again. I have _won_ a _trip_ to _Japan_ for 10 days x3. (Heh. You thought I was going to italic the '10 days', didn't you? Fooooled you!) I'm so excited. Horrah for me!

Now... more focused on this one shot. This is really just a bunch of drabble... and not all of it is based off of the manga/anime, it's more what I would do. 'Cause I rule. The end.

Read and enjoy x3 (And please review!)

**Warning: Slight spoilers.**

**

* * *

**

_20 things that_ I_ would do if I were Akito_

1. Put Yuki back into "the room." And then tell him ten reasons why Tohru will end up with Kyo and not him.

2. Tell Kyo that he's entitled to a lawyer, but then inform him that if he wants to play that way you'll dress him up as a clown for your amusement. The humiliation should be enough to send Kyo to the cage without any incidents. (Inform Kyo's hired 'Lawyer' that he can come by any time to play scrabble.)

3. Order anybody who's curse is lifted into solitary confinement, that way they can not abandon me in any way, how or form.

4. I will _define_ my sex to the Sohma Family by getting pregnant with Shigure's child, and I will not decide that I am really a male half way through labour.

5. I will do the sensible thing and dispose of Tohru, rather than just having her memories erased. Getting rid of the problem once and for all seems a lot more intelligent than just erasing the girls memories and letting her live in oblivious bliss until something jogs her memory.

6. I will not seek love from cursed members. They are simply there for my amusement.

7. I _will_ find a way to kill Ayame, the stupid insufferable snake...

8. I will not decide that my life is meaningless and therefore give up all hope. I have Zodiac members to torture – that is enough meaning for my life.

9. I will not keep the box with the remains of my father in an obvious place, nor will I leave it where conned Zodiac members can find it. It is better to be safe than sorry.

10. I will make the Zodiac pledge life long loyalty by holding a gun to their head, if I fire by mistake – oh well.

11. If ever pushed by an air-head at the high school of the Cat and Rat, I will not just leave, I will say something witty about the lines of; "Oh no you _didn't_!" and bitch slap the heck out of her.

12. I will not leave ways to break the Zodiac curse in obvious places, nor will I reveal any of them to warm hearted brown haired females with an affinity for cats.

13. When revealing Kyo's true form to some poor individual, we will both be arm with perfume, deodorant or air-fresheners.

14. ... On second thought, _I_ will be armed with perfume, deodorant or air-fresheners. The poor individual can suffer.

15. I will _not_ let the Zodiac members learn to drive. (It's a miracle that Hatori hasn't driven off yet.)

16. Tohru will not, under any circumstances, be allowed near the main house as it holds vital information to finding a way to break the curse.

17. Number 16 will not be enforced until Kyo is caged to add dramatic tension.

18. Yuki will be pronounced gay. Hey, it's true, isn't it? If he tries to convince me he's not, he's just in denial.

19. When making threats to Tohru in the forest, I will not leave because I'm begged by a certain dog. I will make sure that I crush her once and for all before leaving in a porch. (Note: She will wash my car the following evening.)

20. I will put my Mother into a mental hospital.


	36. Acceptance

**Disclaimer: I don't own Furuba, or the Religion of Christianity, of which I am apart. ... PINWHEELS GO AROUND IN ENDLESS CIRCLES :D!**

Hmmmmmmm... it's been too long since I've updated this series, neh? Too long infact... it's been... -checks- over four months O------O! CRAP! I'm so sorry! I'm such a horrible person! Gah! I'm so dumb!

I should have updated sooner D:!

That being said, unfortunately, this one shot isn't a funny one... I wrote it as a challenge fic. It also bashes the idea of God and kind'a the Christian Religion, read at your own disgression (or however you spell that word). If you want to flame, I don't particularly mind, but please sign in before you do it - otherwise your flame will be posted on my purdy profile for all the world to see :D

Oh, this one also has a lot of cuss words in it. Just a warning x3.

I'll try and update this series more regularly.

Please read and review x3. Enjoy.

**

* * *

**

**Acceptance**

Kyo hated Religion; the general idea of idolising some form of mythical being that was far above the rank of simple humans gave him the shits. This may be because the being that Kyo viewed, or was forced to view, as the human version of God wasn't just an ass hole; he was sick, frail and possibly a lower form of human... if Kyo was bastardly enough to group humans into better and worse.

Which, in this case, he was.

In any case, he knew that anything now-a-days could be classified as Religion – fan girls chasing the latest star... even something as stupid as this was classified as a Religion in Kyo's mind.

Yes, it is safe to say that Kyo hated Religion. However, more then that, he hated any mention of the being called "God"; because this reminded him of Akito.

Which reminded him of the fact that he was the Cat.

Which reminded him that he wouldn't be accepted.

Which reminded him that he was going to the cage.

Yes, Kyo hated Religion – so sitting through this particular lesson _on_ Religion was almost too much to bare. "God loves all of us," the teacher was saying, she was some Religious cook hired to teach Kyo's class the idea of Christianity, "God accepts everybody."

"No he doesn't." Kyo interrupted shortly and snappily, not being able to take the crap the teacher was saying anymore. Both Yuki and Tohru – Tohru was enjoying this lesson – turned to look at him, but there was a sharp thump on the table from Yuki's head when he realised what Kyo was getting himself into.

The teacher, of which, blinked. "Huh?"

"God doesn't accept everybody." Kyo replied, in a somewhat level headedly and smart assed manner.

"Yes he does, child." The teacher replied, placing her hands together, a look of pure bliss on her face; "He accepts everybody equa---"

"Bullshit." Kyo stated; "If he accepts everybody, then why is there poverty in the world? Why do people suffer? Why are some people cursed to live in poverty?" _Why am I not accepted?_ "How can you say that they're accepted?"

"Well, sometimes, God decides to make life a challenge..."

"In that case, don't you think God's going a little too far?" Kyo spat.

The teacher pulled her collar and cleared her throat; "I'm glad that you feel so strongly about this subject buuuut..."

"But nothing." Kyo replied, for some reason getting really worked up. This woman... this woman was... this woman was pissing him off. Therefore, Kyo stood, now standing with anger. "God does _not_ accept everybody! Full stop, you stupid woman! If God accepted everybody, he wouldn't be a fucking ass hole like he already is! He wouldn't hurt people! He wouldn't..." _lock me up._

There was a moments pause before;

"GOD DAMN IT!" Kyo navigated the desks, grabbed Yuki by the back of his collar – catching the rat who had a concussion, by surprise, and dragged him out of the classroom. Beating up – or rather, getting beaten up _by_ – Yuki was just what he needed.

God did not accept everybody, because God had not accepted him.


	37. JOBWCI

**Disclaimer: Owning Furuba would be cool. Owning a cat would be cool. OWNING YOUR FACE WOULD BE COOL Hyperventilates**

Yep, I have done it. I HAVE WRITTEN SOMETHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CLASSIFIED AS **M**!! ... or not. I'm really not sure. But to be a rebel, I'm leaving the rating as T. I'll just warn everybody now, neh?

**This story is a humourous one shot about what happens when Shigure thinks you're jacking off while driving**

Mmkay? Good. Now, feel free to read :D

Enjoy! (And please review.)

Oh, and happy new year everybody!**  
**

* * *

**Jacking off behind the Wheel causes Injuries**

Yuki, the rat of the zodiac, felt incredibly superior to Kyo. Yuki, the rat of the zodiac, had shoved it in Kyo's face in his normal stuck up attitude. Yuki, the rat of the zodiac, had just gotten his learners.

And now he was driving, with Shigure fast asleep in the passenger seat – and he was doing a rather good job at it, or, well, he thought anyway. So, with both hands on the wheel, Yuki steered around a corner... and rammed straight into something small and fast moving.

Wait. What?

Alarmed, Yuki slammed on the breaks, threw open the door, and dashed to the aid of what-ever-it-was he'd hit. Luckily he wasn't going very fast, Hatori's orders. But, in any case, Yuki knelt down beside it. It was clearly knocked out.

It being an orange cat.

Oh shit.

Frantic, Yuki dashed to the car to try and find something decent to wrap the cat – AKA Kyo – in, and he managed to find an old towel. Carefully, the rat bundled the cat up, slipping him in the back of the seat of the car.

"Shigure, we're going to the vet." Yuki informed the sleeping man, who awoke with a jolt, but was still sleepy so muttered a reply of;

"Who's wet? Yuki, didn't Hatori give you the lecture about jacking off and driving at the same time?"

So, off to the vet they went!

* * *

When they reached the vet – after several wrong turns, considering Shigure had, had to drive: Yuki had curled up in the passengers seat with the injured cat, wrapped in his own shirt, who clawed at him every time Yuki moved him, or Shigure went over a bump: which, the way Shigure drove, was quite a few times. 

By the looks of things, Yuki thought, as Shigure pushed open the door for him, Kyo in a terrible condition... one that was too terrible that he hadn't changed back, apparently. ... Hm-like... that was strange.

Then again, Kyo was strange in general ... not to mention just stupid enough to run under the wheels of a speeding car. Well... not that Yuki had been speeding... much.

In any case, this stupid cat needed attention!

It wasn't long before the vet had the poor, 'Kyo' on the table, and was prodding this, and poking that. Yuki was standing in the corner, trying to pretend he didn't exist. Why? Because Shigure and the vet were discussing masturbation.

... and the damage it could do behind the wheel of a car.

"... and my friend 'Tori gave him the lecture, you know," Shigure was saying, with affirming nods as the vet stuck a thermometer up the cats ass, "he said; 'Kyo, Yuki, there is one thing that you must never do when you're driving.'" He paused for dramatic effect; "'and that thing is masturbation.' 'Tori even explained everything to him!"

They both shook their head in disbelief.

"Well, this guy certainly paid the price of that lesson, didn't he?" The vet asked, looking very disapprovingly at Yuki, who wished he could just disappear all together.

* * *

After the excruciating wait for the verdict on the cat, –they had informed the vet that they had to take with them – who was deemed well enough to leave the vets, but had to be keep in a closed environment, Yuki and Shigure began the dreaded drive home. Shigure had told him under no uncertain terms to _keep his hands on the wheel_! 

Yuki had desperately wanted to run them into a tree.

Roughly twenty minutes later, Yuki, quite literally, walked through the closed rice paper door, while Shigure followed behind him with the cat cage. Quite angry, and with a defiled mind, Yuki slammed open the door to the lounge room, and was met with a; "What the hell do you want, you damn rat?"

Blinking, Yuki looked at Kyo, who was sitting comfortably with a Rice ball in his left hand, and the TV remote in the right. His eyes then flew back to the cat in the cage, who was feeling rather sorry for itself.

Then back to the cat.

And back at Kyo.

... back to the cat.

... and once again back at Kyo, before breaking the table over the poor, unsuspecting cursed-cat's head.

**END :D**

* * *

Ha! Kyo got a table broken over his head xD. That pretty much showed him, didn't it? 

In any case, I have a haunch: this will be the last Furuba I ever write. I'm hoping not, but writing Furuba is just getting dull. And old. And I don't like it anymore. So, if I don't see you again in this section, please feel free to contact me or read my other stories :D! -Marks story as complete, just in case-


End file.
